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“No, I…” She flushes, shakes her head. Hesitates. “Ross told me that Jasper is my dad.”
“Jasper?” I blink. Did I hear her wrong? “Jasper Jones? You serious? That asshole is your fucking dad?”
Her gaze shutters, and she looks away.
Fuck me. I’m doing this all wrong, again, but hell, that’s a hell of a shocker. “Listen…” I put my hand under her small chin and turn her face back toward me. “Who cares, anyway?
“I do.” Her eyes fill up with tears, and I wipe them with my thumb as they start to roll. “I care.”
Shit. I wipe more tears, then just let them fall, my jaw clenched tight. “Tay…”
“All these years! The other kids calling us bastards. Ross calling me a bastard. And all this time our dad was right there, a few streets down. He never told us. Never greeted us. Never sent us a Christmas present.”
I hear it all in her voice, the betrayal. The anger. The pain. “Babe…”
“And Mom… she worked like a slave, fighting off debtors all on her own. He never stepped in to help us out, and she didn’t tell us either. I guess… she was ashamed.” A small hiccup escapes her.
“What for?”
“For falling for such a guy. Having kids with him. Ugh.”
“Hey… She’s not ashamed of you. Could never be.” I move my hand to her back and rub small circles. It soothes Cole and Mary, so I hope it works on her, too. “Your mom loves you. I only met her once and I could tell from the way she looks at you.”
Octavia leans back against me, resting her cheek on my shoulder. “Why did she choose him? He’s an asshole, you’re right. God, how could I ever hope to turn out good when he’s my dad?”
“You’re good.” I fight the growl rising in my throat. “You’re fucking awesome, baby. And I’ll say it again. Who cares who your dad is? Hell, I’m a shitty dad, but I hope my kids will turn out all right.”
“You’re a great dad,” she says against my shoulder. “You’re giving your kids so much love.”
My face warms. “What I’m trying to say is… bad parents have amazing kids all the time, just like good parents have kids that turn into fucking criminals. And hey… you’re the best thing Jasper ever did in his life, and fuck him if he doesn’t realize it. Fucking idiot.”
She lifts her head and cracks a watery smile, so I figure I’m finally saying the right things. Talking doesn’t come easily to me, not anymore, and pep talks even less, but I mean every word.
She lifts a hand to my face, strokes my beard. “Will you shave some day?” she whispers.
I arch a brow at her. “Don’t change the topic.”
She laughs silently. “The first time I saw you, I thought, I wonder what he looks like behind that bush.”
“Bullshit. You didn’t think that.”
“You’re right, I didn’t. I’m just curious. And you are hiding.”
I say nothing to that, because she’s probably right.
It’s my last wall, my last defense. What if I shave it off and I look like the man I was before Emma died? What would it mean?
How can I look the same when I’m so changed inside?
And doesn’t Octavia deserve the man I used to be, instead of the wreck left behind?
She’s here, though. Doesn’t look afraid of me. Even after the way I treated her before.
Maybe it’s time.
Chapter Forty
Octavia
