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“—like you can’t spend a second away from him and the—”
“Merc, shut up!”
He chuckles and grabs a chocolate from the bowl on the low table. “Not my fault you don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Really. Maybe you’d rather talk about your nightmares? We can talk. About the dreams and the memories, the ones you never talk about.”
He pales so fast he scares me. “Shut up. Not talking about that. Hell, no.”
I hate that I put that haunted look in his eyes. But he has to face what is still hounding him, doesn’t he? “You should, though. To Mom. To me. To someone who knows—”
“They aren’t memories, Gigi. Just dreams. Give it a rest.”
“So I should spill my guts to you about Rett, but you won’t even tell me what’s been waking you up in a cold sweat every night?”
“Rett, huh?” He winks, and even though he’s still pale, I could almost believe he’s fine.
Almost. I mean, he’s my brother, I know him too well to be fooled by the front he puts on.
But I let it go, for now. “You don’t need me to tell you about Jarett.”
“Because you’ve been talking my ear off about him for weeks?”
“Because you know very well who he is. You’ve seen him at school, in the bus home, walking down the street, mowing the lawn at the Lowes’ house.”
He shrugs, pops the chocolate in his mouth. His color is better now, and to my regret I decide not to push him about the nightmares. He hates talking about them, and although during his sickness they got really bad, he seems to be sleeping better now.
“Anyway.” I shrug as well, mimicking his nonchalant gesture. “I haven’t seen him all week, so.”
“And why’s that?”
“Nothing. I was just busy, you know. Doing stuff.”
“Bullshit. You’ve been hanging around the house, driving Mom up the wall and getting on my last nerve.”
I stick my tongue out at him, because when I’m with Merc, I’m three years old. “You love it when I’m around.”
He sighs, mouth quirking in a smile. “Don’t let it go to your head, brat. Just because you’re my sister...”
I sink down beside him on the sofa and grab the TV control. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” I elbow him. “Love you, too.”
Boys and their complete and utter inability to express their feelings. Jesus.
Whereas I... I have no feelings.
Rather, what I decided that day in the diner with Jarett, is that I can’t have feelings for him. It’s confusing me, this back and forth. I said I’d teach him how to be friends, but the way my body reacts to his proximity, the way my heart pounds tells me I want more, and it’s obvious he doesn’t.
We could be friends. Perhaps. As soon as I get my wayward thoughts and fantasies under control. As soon as I don’t want to jump his bones every time I see him.
I wonder if I’ll ever manage that.
It doesn’t seem possible.
But I’m too young to lose my heart to someone who won’t cherish it, right? Too young to have found the love of my life.
This has to be a crush, and it will pass, given time.
***
