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That’s what just happened, right? I didn’t imagine it?
About being so heart-broken over it years later.
About my sister and Griffin, and how she felt when she almost lost him, time and again.
About Merc, and how accepting the need to go back to him is okay. If I lost him… I can’t bear the thought.
I think again of my dreams, of his words on the phone. He acted like everything was okay, but… he asked for me to go back.
He did, right? Sure, he grinned all the while and then pretended he hadn’t said it at all, but he wants me to go home, and I didn’t imagine how bad he looked, how dark the circles under his eyes.
Poor lighting, my ass.
I tried to write it off as teasing, but the thing with Merc that I am coming to realize is that he can’t lie. He wears his heart on his sleeve for everyone to see. Of course he’s a guy and doesn’t like showing his feelings in the open, but with me…
With me he does.
Why didn’t I see it? Hear what he was telling me?
Why do I feel this need to go back to him right now?
“Cos, you coming?” Lin calls from the hallway, snapping me out of my thoughts. “We’re gonna be late. My friend Lily is waiting for us.”
“I, uh.” I close my eyes, grip the cool porcelain more tightly. “I don’t know.”
Make up your mind, Cos.
Merc will be fine tomorrow, no matter what Lin’s story is. He’s an adult. He can take care of himself.
Merc needs me. For some reason, he’s been worse lately, and he… he needs me now. I can see Lin another time, go out with her.
“Cos?” She appears at the bathroom door, brows arched. “What is it?”
“I’m thinking. And yeah, I know, it will give me wrinkles.”
She snorts. “Did I scare you that much with my little story?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. But I think you’re right. I should go back to Merc.”
“Now? Tonight?” She doesn’t sound alarmed, or even overly surprised. “Shall I drive you?”
I smile at her. What did I ever do to deserve a bestie like her? “And Lily?”
“She only wanted to go out so she can ogle the bartender.” She rolls her eyes, as if ogling the bartender isn’t reason enough to go out.
It used to be, for me, not so long ago. Not anymore.
“I could still leave tomorrow morning.” I’m trying to give logic a fighting chance. “Early. Rent a car. I’m panicking, and I don’t even know why.”
She squints at me. “What are you worried about? I did say you should go back if you want to, and I’d even drive you tonight, but truth is, I didn’t expect you to make up your mind within seconds. Is something going on I don’t know about?”
“He doesn’t sleep well. And there’s nothing I should be panicking over. I just…” I let out a breath. “Since I met him, I keep dreaming that he needs my help. And he sort of asked me to go back on the phone today.”
“Yeah. I noticed that. It was sweet.”
Maybe. Or maybe he was really asking for my help and I didn’t realize.
“Look, I need to make a couple of phone calls, and then I’ll make up my mind about going back tonight. That okay? Sorry for being such a flakey, crazy friend.”
