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I’m nuts, right? He’s not an ex-boyfriend, a long-lost lover that I miss. I only got the courage to talk to him last time, and although I watched him from a distance every time I visited Sophie, he never knew I existed before now.
And I didn’t know him. Didn’t know his name, for God’s sake, or his voice, or how he grins, and laughs…
Point is, I can’t be missing him. There’s nothing to miss. I never had him in the first place. Not even for a while, not even for a day.
No, this is something I’ve never felt before.
I chug down the wine and pour myself another glass.
This sucks, this unaccountable feeling of loss, the feeling of passing up on something wonderful if only I had the guts to go back.
Go back to St. Louis and find him. Even after these past couple of weeks I’ve been away.
The guy who probably doesn’t even remember me. The passing blip on his radar. The faceless girl he had a coffee with and then got bored of.
Just another sexy-boy-meets-average-not-so-sexy-girl story.
The end.
But maybe I need to meet him one last time to put this ache to rest before I can rebuild my life. Tell him he can go screw himself and leave my dreams alone.
My phone ringing startles me so badly I almost drop the glass. Merc, I think, and Jesus on a stick, why would I think that?
Because I can’t stop thinking about him, that’s why.
But no. The name flashing on my phone is my sister’s. My heart starts to pound, and my thoughts to race, torn between worry something bad has happened to her and anticipation of… what, exactly?
“What’s u
p, sis?”
“Hey.” Her voice is kind of broken by static. As if she’s a million miles away. “Can you talk?”
“Sure. Are you all right?”
“I… yeah. How are things? Did you get a job? How’s your friend, what’s her name?”
I sit at the kitchen table and put the glass down. “Lin.”
“Right. Lin.”
“She’s fine. And I got a part-time job, just until I find something better.”
“That was quick.”
“Yeah. But I can drop it at any moment.”
Why did I say that?
Why is my heart beating so fast? Not with fear or dread for what I think she’s about to ask but again that sick anticipation.
Please, dear God. Please let her ask me to go back. Though I shouldn’t. I should stay right here, get myself together.
But I can’t seem to set roots in this town. In this life.
She coughs lightly. “Cos…”
“Yes?”
