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He shivers. “I told you. That you need a nice guy, not someone like me.”
“Dammit, Rafe.” I push the chair back and shoot to my feet. “That’s such bullshit.”
I want to yell at him, beat him with my fists. He’s about to head off to a place of death and terrible danger, alone, to find his family’s murderer. He promised to be there for me, to keep me safe, and now I’m afraid for his life.
At the same time I understand his need to do it, to find answers in a world where you have to take things in your own hands or never see justice. I’m aware of his courage. Not just for taking this one on, but for living day to day with the burden on his shoulders, the guilt of surviving the carnage.
Knowing the murderer is out there has to be maddening. Harrowing. Gut-wrenching. And now he has the possibility to catch him and understand why it happened.
But I don’t know if I can take it.
“Meg… I’ll come back. I promise.” He’s standing there, brows drawn together, hands clenched at his sides. “Will you wait for me?”
“You can’t promise anything,” I whisper and back away, toward the door. I need to get out of here. “And I can’t promise you anything, either.”
“Don’t say that.” His nostrils flare. He staggers back until he hits the counter and grips the edge to steady himself. “Please, Meg.”
“You need to find a balance,” I whisper. “Between the past and the present. Between what you fear and what you wish for. I love you, Rafe.”
His eyes widen. “You do?”
Shit.
Not rushing back to him, not putting my arms around him has to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I’m not sure how I feel right now. Not sure I can stand here and pretend I’m not scared of anything happening to him, that I’m not pissed as hell at him for putting me through this.
I don’t want to live in fear anymore. All my life I was afraid I’d be beaten to death by Mom’s boyfriends, and even more that she’d be beaten to death. Which is why I have trouble making friends. At any time, I’m scared they’ll vanish from my life. As for men… Greg was safe. Boring but safe.
But I chose Rafe, and here I am, right where I thought I’d never be again. Caught in the crossfire.
As I step out of the kitchen and head for the apartment door, I think I hear Rafe following. I think I hear him call out my name.
I grab my jacket and purse from the sofa and let myself out, welcoming the cold.
PART III
Shred me up, cut me to pieces
Break me down to ash and rubble
Shatter me, bury my bones
Wait by my grave.
I’ll be back, banging the drum
I reach for you, here I come
I’ll abandon the past
lay my ghosts to rest
find a new path
I’ll be back
Sweep away the cold earth
Brush back the sand
