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I glance at the maroon scarf hanging on the wall. Rainier’s scarf. I’m not keeping it as a souvenir, I’m just keeping it because it would be a waste to throw it away even though I don’t like scarves. Who knows? I may be able to give it as a gift to someone later. Besides, it’s a reminder. A reminder of a mistake I should never make again.
I let Rainier fool me once. I’m not going to let it happen again. I’m going to be a great doctor and prove him wrong.
~
“Ready to get your hands inside a patient for the first time, Smithson?” Dr. Keller asks me the next day as we scrub our hands before the surgery.
“Absolutely,” I answer him. “It’s what I’ve been waiting for.”
He chuckles. “Weirdo.”
I grin. I know it’s weird, dreaming of cutting people open and digging inside their bodies, touching their hearts, their lungs, their livers, their kidneys, their colons and everything else. But that’s exactly what we surgical interns wish for.
“Just remember everything I’ve taught you and do exactly as I tell you, okay?” Dr. Keller tells me. “And everything will be fine.”
I nod. “Yes, Doctor.”
“Good.”
He turns off the faucet and wipes his hands on a paper towel. Then he holds his arms up so a nurse can put on his gown and gloves. I do the same.
“Shall we save this young woman’s life, Smithson?” Dr. Keller asks before putting on his mask.
I smile. “Absolutely.”
Today, I’m going to assist in a surgery for the first time and everything is going to be alright.
~
“Something’s wrong,” Dr. Keller says half an hour later as he digs through the open chest of the woman on the table. “There’s not supposed to be this much blood. Where is it coming from?”
I don’t answer. I’m busy trying to locate the source of the bleeding as well.
Suddenly, blood spurts on the front of my gown. I step back.
“Shit.”
“Smithson, get more lap pads in,” Dr. Keller orders me. “We have to control the bleeding of this artery before…”
The monitor starts to beep in alarm. Panic flows through my veins.
“No! No!” I can hear Dr. Keller panicking as well and I freeze. “We’re losing her.”
No.
~
“No!” Mrs. David wails in the waiting room after Dr. Keller tells her the news of her daughter’s death.
I look away and clasp my shaking hands behind my back. I purse my trembling lips as I try to hold back tears.
I can’t stand this. I can’t stand knowing that Mrs. David will never talk to her only daughter again. Was she even able to say goodbye? Has she told her all she wanted to? I can’t stand the thought of Clarissa lying dead on that cold operating table with her blood on the floor. She’s only twenty-three, just a few years younger than me, yet she’ll never be able to apply what she studied in university. She’ll never be able to design the interior of a hotel or her own house like she dreamed of. She’ll never fall in love, get married and have kids. She won’t even be able to spend another Christmas with her family.
I can’t stand it.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. The procedure was simple. Her SATs were good. And yet, in a matter of seconds, everything turned into a disaster. And now, Clarissa David will never open her eyes again.
We lost her. We weren’t able to save her.
“Are you okay?” Dr. Keller turns to me and touches my shoulder. “I know this is the first patient you’ve lost, so…”
“I’m fine,” I manage to tell him in a shaking voice. “M-may I be excused?”
He nods. I run off, clasping my hand over my mouth after I go around the corner. I run to one of the showers because I can’t think of anywhere else to go. I walk into the first stall, sit on the cold floor and take off my eyeglasses. Then I wrap my arms around my aching chest as I let the tears stream down my cheeks.
Maybe Rainier’s right. Maybe I might not survive, after all.
~
“Ellis?” I hear Rainier’s voice after the door opens.
I go still. Sure, I’ve been silently wishing for someone to come and comfort me, but I didn’t expect it to be him. Why is he here?
“Ellis.” He stands at the entrance to the stall.
I wipe my eyes with my sleeve. “What are you doing here?”
“I heard what happened.”
“You shouldn’t be here,” I tell him. “These are the women’s showers.”
“I don’t care.” Rainier steps inside the stall and closes the curtain behind him. “You shouldn’t go through this alone.”
“I wasn’t planning to.” I snuggle against the corner. “I was waiting for Farrah or Asher. Or even Dr. Carver. Or someone who cares.”
“Well, you’ve got me.” He kneels on the floor.
I shake my head. “You don’t care. You’re – ”
