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“Did you mean to do that?” she asks.
“Did I mean to come inside you?”
“Yes. Did you mean to come inside me?” she repeats. Finally, her eyes meet mine, and in hers…I think I see fear. And anger. And a little bit of sorrow. It’s that last one that kills me.
“I don’t know.” And I don’t. I’d like to think it was intentional. I’d also like to think it was an accident, but I don’t know. All I know is that I finally had her. I had her in my arms, with her tight around me, and I love her. I love her and it just seemed right. But it must not have been right. It must not have been right at all.
I was wrong. She wasn’t ready. I just didn’t know it.
She nods and climbs under the covers. I try to pull her to me, but she rolls away, putting inches between us. Instead of letting me wrap myself around her, she reaches back and takes my hand, holding it tenderly against her hip. She says nothing, not even when the bus door opens and we get on the road again.
She hasn’t completely shut down on me, but she’s close.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask the darkness.
She doesn’t answer. I know she’s not asleep.
I tug her fingers, trying to get her attention. “Can you talk to me?”
“I’m not thinking about anything,” she finally says. She rolls further onto her stomach and lets me slide an arm around her. She pretends to go to sleep, but she’s tense in my arms for a long time. Too long.
I made a mistake. A big one.
Wren
The next morning, I wake up and Mick is gone. I brush my teeth and stumble to the front of the bus in search of coffee. And in search of Mick. The bus is stopped and Mel and Alex are playing cards at the small dinette table.
“Where’s Mick?” I ask.
He points toward the north end of the street. “Said he had an errand to run.” He doesn’t look up from where he’s playing cards.
I get a cup of coffee and sit down with them. “Do you want to play?” Alex asks.
I wave them off with a hand in the air. “No, no, you guys go ahead.” I take a sip of my coffee and then ask, “Do you guys know what Mick’s errand was?”
Alex shrugs, but Mel’s eyes meet mine. She knows something is up. She looks down just as quickly.
“Did he say when he’ll be back?”
Alex shakes his head as he presents Mel with a full house.
“Have you seen the tabloids recently?” I ask him.
He reaches next to him and passes me the stack of papers. I open the first one.
EX-ZERO-GUITARIST SPEAKS OUT
“Shane spoke out? About what? He couldn’t find his way out of a dark closet if you left the light on. What does he know about my relationship?”
“Oh, so you have a relationship, now?” Alex teases.
“Shut up,” I mutter. But Alex has been with us a long time. He’s like family.
MYSTERY MAN DISCOVERED—HE’S ALREADY A ZERO, BY MARRIAGE
Shit. They’ve figured out who he is. Hopefully, they can’t trace the kids.
The door opens and Mick steps onto the bus. He startles when he sees me sitting with Alex and Mel. “I didn’t think you’d be up yet,” he says. His eyes don’t meet mine. I see that he’s holding a small square package in his hand, and it’s in a brown paper bag. I look, trying to see what it is. He puts it behind his back, and goes to the back of the bus, walking backward the whole way. He turns and pulls the curtain behind him.
