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He doesn’t answer. He just pulls the curtain and he leaves the bus. The door closes behind him with a clank. It’s really a quiet sound but it seems so loud.
I look down at the box and read the instructions. I pull out the package and pop the pill out of the bubble wrapper. I hold it up and stare at it. It’s a choice that all women should have, but I just don’t want the choice at all. I’d rather it be out of my hands. I’d rather just be able to say, “Well, we got carried away and one thing led to another and BOOM! Preggers.” But I can’t say that now that he gave me this, because he gave me a choice. I lift it to my mouth and lay it on my tongue.
And
then…
And then I spit it out. It lands in my hand in a glob of spit, and I go to the bathroom and run water over my tongue, cleaning my mouth out. This isn’t what I want. I want fate to choose. If there’s a baby that comes of what we did last night, then that’s what I want.
I flush the pill down the toilet.
I need to go and tell Mick. He said it was up to me, not that he wanted me to do it. He doesn’t want that, does he?
I put my shoes on, and my heart is as light as air. I hope he’s not too mad because I couldn’t do it. But I feel like he’s not going to be. I hope he’s not going to be.
Mel gets up when I start out the door, and I know she’s going to follow me. I don’t particularly care. I need to find Mick. I turn the corner, looking for his baseball cap and broad shoulders. But I don’t see them. I run to the left and turn the corner, but he’s nowhere in sight.
I walk for what seems like hours, although I know it’s only minutes, but he’s nowhere to be found.
Mick
I walk aimlessly down the street, having no destination in mind. Where I want to be is sitting right next to Wren, so that I can tell her all the reasons why she shouldn’t take that pill. I start to list them off in my head.
1. I love her.
2. I’m pretty sure she loves me.
3. She’d make the best mother.
4. I think I’d make a pretty fucking great dad.
5. We have plenty of support from both our families.
6. We both have good jobs, although I could never compete with the kind of money she makes.
7. I would love her until the end of time.
But I can’t sway her decision with my own preference. It has to be her decision or I will feel, for the rest of my life, like I pushed an unwanted pregnancy on her.
In the back of my head, though, I just want to go back to her and tell her that I love her. I want to sit and hold her hand through all of this. I want to be her rock. With that in mind, I rush back to the bus.
Alex is watching TV on the big screen.
“Where is she?” I ask.
“I think she went to find you.”
“What for?”
He shrugs. “Not sure, but she was in a hurry.”
I walk to the back of the bus and see the open package. My heart stops. I pick it up and pull the trash from inside the now-empty box and my heart stops again. It fucking stops. I pound my chest to stop the ache.
She took the pill.
She took the pill.
She took the pill.
