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ue to mine. I moan against his lips. He pulls back ever so slightly. “Too much?” he whispers.
“Not nearly enough,” I say.
The waitress clears her throat and Jake and I spring apart.
“I’ll come back,” she says with a giggle and she walks away.
I press my hands to my hot cheeks. Jake opens my menu and laughs. “Pick out some food.”
The waitress comes back with glasses of water and takes our order.
“So,” I say to break the silence at the table.
“So.” Jake laughs and takes a sip of his water.
“What do you want from me, Jake?” I suddenly blurt out. I drop my face into my hands because I’m even more embarrassed asking this question than I was when the waitress caught us kissing.
Jake’s green eyes stare into mine. “You really don’t know, do you Katie? You have no idea how I feel about you.”
“How do you feel about me, Jake?” I whisper back.
“I never wanted to be a father,” Jake says.
“Oh.” I sit back. My world is crumbling beneath my feet, and I hold tightly to the arms of my chair to settle myself.
“Stop it,” he chides. He takes my hand in his. “Stop it, now. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. Can I explain?”
“Please do.”
“Laura always wanted a baby, and I really didn’t. She talked me into it, and then making a baby became a job. It sucked all the joy out of it. When I imagined fatherhood, I imagined some little snot-nosed brat waking me up at all hours of the night, kids crying for food at inconvenient times, and someone taking Laura away from me at his or her own whim. I didn’t want kids. But then I met yours…” His voice trails off.
“And what did you think?” I hold my breath.
“They were a part of you, so I had no choice but to love them at first sight.” He chuckles. “Trixie woke me up last night because she said there was a blue raccoon under her bed and Sally was too big to go under there and look.”
“And you’re so much smaller than Sally.” I laugh. I had no idea she was waking Jake up. “I’m sorry she woke you.”
“I’m not. I had to get out some blue raccoon spray.”
“There’s blue raccoon spray?”
“A bottle of air freshener. I sprayed it under her bed and all was well. Then I stayed with her until she fell asleep. Sally sneezed for a good half hour and Alex woke up to ask me who farted.” He chuckles.
I laugh too. “I’m so sorry. I’ll tell her not to wake you anymore.”
“Oh, please don’t,” he says. “I loved it. It wasn’t a chore. It was nice.”
“You didn’t sign on for fatherhood.”
“I think I would. If you wanted me to, that is.” He coughs into his fist and his cheeks turn pink. “I mean…if you wanted me to be their dad, I’d be honored.”
Tears sting my eyes and I blink them back. “They had a great father. And he can’t be replaced.”
“I know that. And I don’t want to take Jeff’s place. But I want to take my place. And I want to feel like it’s mine. Forever. Always. I don’t want to be him. I want to be me, and I want to be what I am to them, whatever that might be.” He leans close to me and whispers, “And then there’s you.”
“What about me?” I whisper back.
“I want to be deep inside you, even when I’m not.” He laughs. “And trust me, I want to be deep inside you all the fucking time, Katie. All the time.”
