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“Nothing,” he says with a smile. His eyes do a slow slide up and down my body, and I can feel his gaze as it moves.
“Can I wear one of your shirts?” I open his drawer without even waiting for an answer and riffle through it.
He says nothing, but I can hear him moving around behind me as he gets into bed.
I drag a clean t-
shirt over my head and take my bra off under it, then hang it over the bedpost. He stares at the wispy bit of fabric. “What?”
“I’ve missed having your bra hanging there,” he says simply.
“Yeah, well, now it is,” I reply. Then I turn down the covers and get into bed with him. He reaches over and turns out the bedside lamp, and darkness falls on the room. I roll into him, and I nuzzle my nose against the soft fabric of his t-shirt. “So, do you want to…” I let my voice trail off as my hand starts to snake down his stomach.
He grabs my hand. “Nuh uh,” he says with a shake of his head. He heaves out a deep sigh. “I’m not ready.” He waits a beat. “Is that okay with you?”
I rest my chin on his chest and look at his face in the darkness. I can see him clearly in the moonlight that’s coming in through the window. “What do you mean, not ready?”
“I mean I’m not ready. This feels new and great, but it’s not new and it might not be great. And I want some time to get used to it before we go any farther.”
I sit up. “So you’re really turning down sex?”
“Yep.”
I reach up and touch his forehead playfully. “Do you have a fever? Should I rush you to the hospital?”
He laughs and grabs my hand and holds it tight against his chest. “If we start this thing and then you lock the door on me again, you’re going to crush me, Bess. Absolutely crush me.” He squeezes my hand. “I love what we’re doing, but I don’t want to rush it.” He stares at me in the dark. “Okay?”
“Okay,” I say. But I can’t lie. I do feel a little let down. I lay the side of my face on his chest and wrap my arm around him.
“This is nice,” he says. “Let’s keep doing this. Always.”
He’s hard. I can see that he wants me, even through the covers. The tiny roll of his hips every few seconds gives it away. “Are you sure you don’t want to…?”
“Positive,” he says. He kisses my forehead. “Go to sleep.”
But I don’t go to sleep. Instead, I lie there and think about all the things I’ve done wrong, all the things that make him fearful about what we’re doing now, and I regret them. I regret a lot of things, but leaving him with doubts like the ones he has now are what I regret the most.
Due to my own pain, I’d locked him out, and now that I want to let him back in, he’s afraid to walk through the door. I can’t blame him. I didn’t just lock the door. I slammed it on his foot, then I did it again, and again, and I kept doing it until he wouldn’t even come near the door. That’s my fault. It’s not his.
And I deeply regret it.
35
Aaron
The next morning, I’m awake when the sun comes up. I’d like to take a walk down to the water so I can watch the sun rise over the lake, but the kids are still sleeping. Instead, I go out and sit on the porch and stare out at the tranquility that is Lake Fisher.
This place has always been my favorite place in the world. Lynda and I stopped coming up here every summer when the kids got so busy that we needed to stay home for soccer, softball, and dance classes. We kind of let life intrude, and now I wish we’d spent more time up here, giving the kids the kind of life I had when I was young.
Bess and I met here, grew up here, fell in love with people here, and made memories that will last a lifetime here. I just wish that my lifetime could last a little longer. But like I told Bess, I have to play the cards I’m dealt, rather than hate the game I already know I’m going to lose.
I’m not worried about my kids anymore. Bess and Eli will care for them. My youngest won’t even remember me, but the other two will. They’ll remember this summer and they’ll look upon their time here with me fondly. I’ll give them a summer of fun times to look back on for as long as I can.
A figure walks toward me down the lane. Gabby is startled a little when she sees me sitting on the steps. She’s an old soul in a young body, and I can tell that she will do great things with her life. Right now, she’s walking with Jake and Katie’s youngest child, letting him toddle along. She shades her eyes with her hand as she looks over at me. “Good morning,” she calls.
“What are you doing up at this hour?” I ask as she walks closer to me. She takes a seat next to me and lets Erik sit down in the grass, where he picks at the weeds.
“I heard Erik wake up, and I figured I’d let Mom sleep a little longer.” She crosses her arms over her knees and leans forward.
