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I realized my fingers were fisted in his shirt, clinging to him like I had when he protected me in the car last night.
I forced them to unfurl. My stomach dropped when I released him, but I ignored the sensation.
“I…” I swallowed and tried to collect my thoughts. “I need to take a shower.”
Yes. That sounded like a good idea. The evidence of my orgasm was slick on my thighs, and I needed to clean up. I needed to erase the evidence.
My stomach knotted, and I shied away from my budding realization of the horrible betrayal I’d just committed.
He kissed the top of my head. “Okay, babygirl. Take a shower. You can study after, and I’ll bring you lunch in a little while.”
I nodded, numbness setting in.
He finally released me from his strong arms, and goosebumps pebbled my skin at the loss of his heat.
“Go on,” he prompted when I didn’t move.
I moved quickly, tearing myself away from him, like ripping off a Band-Aid. I rushed to the bathroom and closed the door behind me to put a barrier between us.
Moving on auto-pilot, I removed my clothes and turned on the shower. I kept the water little more than lukewarm. My body was hot, flushed from my orgasm. I needed to cool off.
Orgasm. I’d come all over Marco’s hand, driven to the height of pleasure by his deep voice and demanding touch. I’d felt small in his grip, helpless to resist him.
But the awful truth was I hadn’t been helpless. He hadn’t violated me against my will. I might have been confused by what was happening, but I’d still been an active participant.
I’d kissed him back.
After he made me come. After he spanked me. After he made me call him Daddy.
Shame rolled through me.
I cheated on Joseph. I cheated on Joseph with his best friend.
The thought was enough to make my stomach lurch, and nausea curled up my throat. I took a deep breath through my nose and suppressed the urge to vomit.
I locked down my roiling emotions before they could rise. I couldn’t cope with the enormity of what I’d done. The weight of my betrayal would crush my heart if I faced it.
Take a shower. You can study after. Marco’s words echoed in my head, perversely comforting. If I just did what he’d told me to do, I could zone out and
continue to exist for a little while longer. Once Joseph returned to me, I’d have to confess my horrific sin, and my heart would shatter.
After he’d opened up to me about his crimes this morning, about the man who had died because of his actions, I’d been ready to trust him again. I’d been ready to say I love you.
Now, that was ruined. How could I possibly tell him I loved him when I’d just cheated with Marco?
I shuddered and turned up the heat of the water. My skin was suddenly far too chilled.
I stayed in the shower for a long time, allowing the scalding water to beat down on me until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
When I was dry and dressed in fresh clothes, I moved back out into the bedroom and settled myself at the desk. I opened the notes my classmate had uploaded for me. Marco had printed them out—I still hadn’t been granted access to the internet, even though I’d been allowed to write a few more emails to Jayme. My father hadn’t even deigned to reply to my first message about taking time off from school, so there had been no need to send him any more emails.
I shied away from that fresh layer of pain. My heart couldn’t take it.
I was letting down everyone I loved. I was a failure, a traitor. A disappointment.
I swiped away a stray tear and focused on the notes, trying to absorb the information. If I could just succeed at academics, maybe I could at least win my father’s affection back.
For hours, I stared at the pages before me, slowly flipping through them before backtracking to try to actually read the words I’d been glossing over.
