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If he sucks, even more, he’ll taste the milk.
For a moment, I forgot I was still a new mom. Milk would be coming out of my breasts for at least two years, as long as I kept breastfeeding, and I intended to.
Joshua wasn’t stupid. He would notice if something came out of my breasts, and it wouldn’t be difficult for him to connect the dots.
“Wait,” I said, breathless, with a touch of desperation. “Joshua, can you stop a little?”
The moment I said ‘stop,’ he did. He looked up at me, his expression a mix of confusion and desire.
I’m sorry, Joshua, I apologized to my mind.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, sliding his tongue over his lip.
He was frowning, and I sighed as I moved away from him. I fixed my bra but didn’t push to put my dress to rights just yet.
This was a mistake.
I should have realized it the moment he asked me for a date. There were so many ways I could give away the secret, even unintentionally. If it hadn't occurred to me, I really would have let him do whatever he wanted to me. I only remembered because I was incredibly self-conscious about the lie.
“I think… I need to go home,” I said.
I couldn’t look at him. I felt so sorry, and a little ashamed of myself. I didn’t have to see his face to know he’d be disappointed. He had stopped already to ask if I was sure this was what I’d wanted, and I had said yes without thinking much about it, but I was regretting it now.
“I’m sorry,” I said when he didn’t say anything for a long time. “I just think it would be best if we ended the night here. Joshua, I’d like to go home now.”
He let out a noisy breath, and I bit down on my lip so I wouldn’t apologize again.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stop, I told myself.
I knew that, but it still didn’t sit well with me, because the only thing holding me back was that stupid lie. He had been the one to bring it up, but I shouldn’t have gone along with it. If I wanted to avoid awkwardness between us, the thing I should have done was turn around and walk away, fast, before he noticed me back at the park that day.
If I’d done that, though, today wouldn’t have happened.
Fuck. It hadn't been long, and already I was starting to get greedy. If I didn’t have a child to think about, being honest with myself, falling back into a relationship with Joshua would have been very easy.
I just couldn’t do it.
“Alessandra, do you hate being with me?” he asked, blunt.
I whirled around to him with wide eyes, then quickly shook my head.
“No! Why would you even think that? I wasn’t pretending to have fun with you the whole day.”
He was still frowning at me. “I noticed that. I also noticed how you were into what we were doing just now, but out of nowhere, you changed your mind. Did something happen?”
I opened my mouth, only to pause. Just saying I changed my mind last minute wasn’t nice, and that was not it.
“I just really need to go home,” I murmured after a minute. “My parents were expecting me; they’ll be worried if I don’t show up…”
“You’re a grown woman, not a teenager. I’m sure if you told them you’d like to get back really late, or better yet, spend the night out, would they say no to you?”
Slowly, I shook my head. They’d ask questions, but they wouldn’t pry. I was a mom already, so it wasn’t as if they thought I was still innocent. I hadn't specified who I was going out with for the day, but by the look, Mom shot me when I walked out of the door this morning, she might have started suspecting me.
Joshua sighed, then took one of my hands. His eyes were intent on mine, making me freeze with their intensity.
“Alessandra,” he said carefully. “I want to take you home with me. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do. If you tell me again you’d rather go home; I’ll take you there right now. Or I’ll drop you off somewhere, and you can get there on your own.”
