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‘I wasn’t sure whether I should,’ Meena said in a small voice. ‘It hurts so much, to think about it, and I thought I was sparing you that. But then when I excavated that nest...’
‘I know,’ he said, reaching for her hand and squeezing. ‘I know h
ow hard that was for you.’
He told himself that he shouldn’t be doing this. That he shouldn’t be reaching out to touch her, and the sensible part of his brain agreed completely. But the woman that he had once loved was beside him, hurting, and every part of his body ached to make that better. Holding her hand wasn’t much, but it was solidarity. It was telling her that she wasn’t the only one who had to carry those memories any more. That they would share this sadness and bear it together.
‘I’m glad that you know,’ she said at last, her hand still soft in his. He was waiting, he realised, for her to stiffen and pull away, and God knew that was what he deserved after the things that he had said. After what he was trying to do to the island that she loved. But for some reason he couldn’t fathom, she wasn’t pulling away. Instead her body was leaning closer; and her head had landed soft and warm on his shoulder.
‘You’ve never spoken to anyone about it before?’
She shook her head. ‘I couldn’t. Not without knowing the full story. Not without being able to tell my parents or my friends who the father was.’
‘Well, you’re not alone in it any more,’ he murmured, risking pressing his cheek to the top of her head. Waiting for her to pull away from him, to realise that she was making a mistake. Putting herself at risk of being hurt. Instead he felt her soften more, her head growing heavier on his shoulder, the weight of her body pressing warmer at his side.
He should be the one to do it, he knew. He wanted to protect her, and the best way that he knew to do that was to stay as far away from her as possible. But he wasn’t sure that he could do it any more. He couldn’t willingly put more than a breath of space between them. He’d spent every minute since he had arrived here and seen her again for the first time trying to resist her. It had made absolutely zero difference to the way that he felt about her, and he feared he didn’t have the strength to keep going.
But she had to know what she was getting into. He was laying everything on the table and had no doubt it would send her running.
‘I’m not good for you, Meena,’ he said. He waited a moment for the words to sink in, waiting for her to pull away, but she still didn’t.
‘I don’t think I believe that,’ she said at last. ‘If what you’ve told me is true, then the Meena who knew you before thought that you were. And I’m learning to trust her judgement.’
He let out a sigh. ‘She knew a different me. It was a long time ago.’
‘I’m not sure people change that much,’ Meena said with a small shrug against his body. ‘I think we might be proof of that. Neither of us planned this, or expected it. And yet here we are. Again.’
‘I mean it, Meena,’ Guy said, sitting up a little straighter, trying to break the intimacy between them. ‘I’ve done things in the last seven years that I’m ashamed of. I’ve hurt people. People have died. I don’t deserve you.’
She looked up at that, meeting his gaze with narrowed eyes.
‘Someone died? You hurt them on purpose?’ she asked, wary.
He sighed. It was always the wrong question. ‘No. Not on purpose, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t my fault. I should have been able to save her. I just...couldn’t. I was so wrapped up in my own problems...’
Which made it sound less bad than it had really been. If he had taken better care of Charlotte, if he had at least been with her when she’d taken those pills instead of passed out drunk at home, he could have done something. The fact that the damage he’d caused hadn’t been intentional didn’t absolve him. He should have known better than to get involved with someone when he was still so broken after Meena.
‘Guy, you’re scaring me. I need you to tell me what happened. Who died?’
He shook his head, unable to believe that he was going to have to tell her this. ‘My girlfriend,’ he said, trying to keep his voice light. ‘The girl I started seeing after I got back to Australia.’
‘How did she die?’ Meena asked, her frank gaze giving him nowhere to hide.
He shook his head, covering his eyes. He wished he didn’t have to do this, but Meena needed to know. ‘She took some pills in a club. I was meant to be there with her, but I’d passed out at home and never made it. If I’d been there, I would have seen that something was wrong. I would have gotten her help sooner. I know it.’
Meena went silent for a moment after he spoke, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what she was thinking.
‘You didn’t give her the pills?’ she asked, a crease appearing between her eyebrows.
His eyes snapped to hers. ‘Of course not.’
‘And you didn’t make her take them?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I didn’t want her to take pills. I’d told her before that I didn’t like it.’
Meena shook her head. ‘Then I don’t see how you can think that this is your fault.’
‘Because I should have been there with her!’ Guy burst out, emotion making his words sharp. ‘Charlotte shouldn’t have been alone in some disgusting toilet of a dodgy club. If I’d been there with her, I would have got her help sooner. If I’d been able to control my own drinking, control my own feelings...’
