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It looked as if she had given Fraser something to think about, because he h
ad sat back on the bed and rested forward on his elbows, staring pensively at the floor.
Did he really think that? Elspeth wondered. That his father didn’t care about him? Because it had been clear to her from the moment she had seen Malcolm waiting in the doorway of the tower, nervous anticipation obvious in his posture, that Malcolm cared very deeply about his son. But if Fraser really thought that his father didn’t love him, what had that done to him over the years? To the way he saw himself? To his relationships? No wonder he had been scared when she had told him about the baby. If he hadn’t ever been able to count on this most important bond, no wonder he had never made another.
Not that it mattered to her, she reminded herself. Fraser’s commitment issues weren’t her problem and they weren’t why she wasn’t interested in a relationship with him. There was way more than that standing between them and a happy-ever-after. It was good to have the reminder, though. That it wasn’t just her who didn’t want this.
Even if Sarah was suddenly cured and Elspeth’s responsibilities magically melted away and her time and emotional energy and love weren’t pulling her in three different directions, Fraser was in no position to be in a relationship.
All they had to concentrate on was being the best parents they could be to this baby. And as far as she could see, Fraser wasn’t going to be able to do that until he’d fully come to terms with the breakdown of his relationship with his father. And perhaps tried to make a new relationship with him.
Elspeth reached for Fraser’s hand, remembering how much she’d liked the way he’d held it earlier. She’d liked the way it had felt to be anchored to him. Liked the way it had felt, knowing that he’d come to her for support.
She was his family now, she realised, and felt the reality of their situation sinking in yet another level. She was the mother of his child, and that meant they shared a bond that would last for ever. She couldn’t escape from it, even if she wanted to.
She couldn’t think how she’d find the capacity to care for someone else, and suddenly wondered what she was doing here, in the Highlands, digging herself deeper into family issues that had been impossible to fix long before she had had anything to do with Fraser.
She gasped in a short breath as the baby kicked her ribs and she rubbed against them absent-mindedly.
‘Can I feel?’ Fraser asked.
She remembered the atmosphere between them in the car. How a simple touch had escalated so quickly into something that she had been so sure neither one of them would want—until they hadn’t been able to help themselves. But she wanted him to touch her. This was his child—they had agreed to parent together and this was a part of that. It was something that they should share.
She shrugged her shoulders, faking a nonchalance that she absolutely did not feel, and then held dead still, resisting any reaction to the feel of Fraser’s touch on her skin. She held her breath for a few seconds, willing the baby to kick quickly. For once the baby co-operated and gave its father a quick tap on the hand, cueing a snort of laughter from Fraser.
‘I can’t get over how amazing that feels,’ he said with another laugh, breaking the tension in the room. ‘How do you concentrate on anything when you have a whole person in there, trying to get your attention?’
Elspeth smiled. ‘She doesn’t make it easy. But it started gradually and I guess I’ve got used to it.’
‘I can’t imagine ever getting used to it.’
The wonder in Fraser’s voice was intoxicating, and it caught them up for another few minutes, as they quietly waited for the baby to kick again. But then real life started to creep back in, and Elspeth couldn’t help but point out the obvious.
‘Well, she’s not going to be in there for ever.’
Fraser withdrew his hand and coughed awkwardly. ‘I guess not. I can’t believe it’s going so quickly. A few more months and everything’s going to change.’
She made an effort to smile, but couldn’t help feeling a twinge of anxiety. Not everything was going to change. Much of her life would stay the same. Her work. Her career. Her caring responsibilities. They weren’t all going to fade away just because she had this enormous new challenge coming. They were all going to be just as demanding as ever.
Something of what she was thinking must have shown on her face, because Fraser took her hand back into his and gave it a squeeze.
‘It’s all right to be scared. But we’re in this together.’
Sure they were. The baby part of it. But he wasn’t the one who was going to have to fight to get his career back on track post-maternity leave. He wasn’t the one who was going to have to call around for emergency cover when Sarah was sick. He wasn’t going to be taking on the challenges that she already dealt with every day.
‘Stop it,’ he said gently. ‘Whatever spiral you’re heading down, I promise you we are going to make this work. Have you called home since we got here?’ he asked, showing more insight than she’d realised he had.
‘They’re fine,’ she said, reflexively tapping her phone through the fabric of her pocket, reminding herself that they could get hold of her if they needed to. ‘I’m just not used to being away from home for more than a night.’
He pulled her down beside him on the bed as they both looked up to the ancient beams of the ceiling.
‘I was surprised when you agreed to stay a few days,’ Fraser admitted.
‘I was being realistic about how much time you and your father might need,’ Elspeth replied. ‘And when you asked... I don’t know. Objectively, three nights away didn’t seem like that long. But now that we’re here... I feel so far away. I feel helpless.’
Fraser squeezed her hand in support. ‘But you know that your sister is safe. That your mum has the help she needs from the agency care assistants.’
‘I know all that. I do. But... It’s just hard to turn off the part of my brain that feels it should be doing something.’
