AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘Me neither. I’m glad we did.’
Raina stretched up to kiss him and then turned in his arms, so that he could curl his body around hers. Alistair pulled the duvet across them both, holding her tight.
Suddenly she was alone with her thoughts. Being with Alistair had made the whole world recede. Nothing could touch them, and they had no interest in touching anything but each other. But now, in the quiet peace after the storm, everything started to filter back and it was just as it had been before.
They still couldn’t be together, they’d been through too much for that. This had just been a way of letting go.
* * *
She was crying. Somehow Alistair sensed it even if Raina’s body was still, pressed against his chest. He probably wouldn’t be able to hear if she said something, and he felt entirely at sea. His body still buzzed with the pleasure of making love to her, and the sudden, hedonistic joy of its climax.
Perhaps he should leave her alone with her thoughts. If she wanted to tell him, she would. But the sudden thought that she might be regretting what they’d just done tore at him.
‘Raina... Are you awake?’ He whispered the words softly. For a moment she lay still and then he felt her squeeze his hand. When she turned in his arms, her face was composed.
‘Raina, honey. What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?’
‘No. Everything’s okay.’
That was his line. He suddenly realised how much it hurt to hear it, when he knew that something was wrong.
‘No, it’s not. I’m not going to leave you alone until you talk to me. Then I’ll talk to you in return.’ Alistair reached for his hearing aid, wanting to hear everything that she said. But she laid her hand on his, taking the hearing aid away from him.
‘Are you up for doing this the other way?’ She gave him a smile and sat up, operating the remote beside the bed to turn the lights up a little and facing him.
Alistair wasn’t sure. Words would have to be spoken plainly and clearly, within the bonds of their exchanged gaze. But if they could do it while they were making love, then they could do it now. He sat up, holding his hand out towards her. She reached out, placing her palm against his. It was electric.
‘Do you mind?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I always used to leave the talking to you. Far more than I should have done.’
She nodded. ‘Is that different now?’
‘No. I’m no different. But I want to be.’ He leaned towards her, tracing his fingers gently across her jaw. ‘Raina, please tell me. I need to know what’s going on because you seem...hurt.’
‘You didn’t hurt me. I...’ She turned away from him, then seemed to remember that she had to face him. Making sure that he heard had become secondary. This was about making sure that they both understood.
‘Everything we lost. It just suddenly felt very real to me.’
‘Me too.’ Alistair turned the corners of his mouth down. ‘You know, I always thought that you’d find someone else. Someone who’d do a little better than I did in giving you the things you wanted.’
‘What things do you mean? Children?’ Her eyes glistened with tears.
‘That was my main thought, yes.’ It was the one that had carried Alistair through. The idea that someone, somewhere would make a great father to her children. If Raina had what she wanted then it made all of the misery seem like a price that had to be paid, and not just meaningless.
‘I can’t have children, Alistair. Or...at least probably not.’ She must see the shock in his face, and Alistair struggled not to turn away from her and hide. ‘When I lost our baby...’
She couldn’t say the words and he had to help her. Alistair took a deep breath. ‘An ectopic pregnancy doesn’t usually mean that you can’t conceive again.’
‘No, but I started to experience pain, and so I went for some tests. It turned out that there was an infection and they had to remove one fallopian tube. The other is partially blocked.’
Just one question pounded in Alistair’s brain. ‘When did this happen, Raina?’
‘About a year after I lost the baby.’
A year. He and Raina had still been married then. Not living together any more, and they had been just a pen-stroke away from divorce, but they’d still been married. ‘And...you didn’t tell me?’
‘Would you have signed the divorce papers if I had?’
