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‘That I didn’t want to know. Go and put some clothes on.’
‘Okay. See you on Tuesday evening, then. About seven-ish?’
‘That’ll be fine. And don’t bring any wine this time; your father’s just gone out and bought two cases, and he’s left them in the kitchen for me to trip over. My only hope of getting them out of the way is to drink as much of it as we can.’
Leo ended the call and put the phone down on the counter top. There was nothing to worry about. Everything was okay, so why did it still feel as if his heart was trying to pound its way through his ribcage?
He knew why. He’d finally let go with Alex. Forgotten about everything else and surrendered himself completely to her. It made no difference that the fears which had propelled him downstairs this morning had been unfounded. His guilt was that of a watchman who had deserted his post.
A bump from upstairs disturbed his reverie. Now what? He took the stairs two at a time and when he reached the bedroom he found Alex sitting on the bed, wrapped in his dressing gown and rubbing her knee.
‘Are you okay?’
She tipped her head up towards him, smiling through the tears in her eyes. ‘Yes, I’m fine. Just took a tumble.’
She must have got out of bed when he was downstairs. He’d made sure to pick up their discarded clothes from the floor when he’d got up yesterday evening and, without thinking, he’d moved her prosthetic leg away from the bedside and into the corner, where they couldn’t trip over it.
‘Did you hurt yourself?’
‘No. You have nice thick carpet.’
Leo suddenly realised that she was looking at the phone in his hand. In his panic, he’d broken his promise to her. We can manage. He’d put all the things that kept her independent out of reach, and then left her on her own.
He dropped the phone onto the floor and walked over to her, kneeling in front of her. ‘Alex, I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s okay.’ One tear trailed down her cheek and she brushed it away. ‘I’m used to thinking about these things. You shouldn’t have to.’
That wasn’t the way it had been last night. But he’d messed up badly and he couldn’t expect her to allow him the precious trust that she’d shown last night. ‘I’ll get your bag.’
‘Yes, thanks. I’ll go and have a shower in the other bathroom, if that’s okay.’ She smiled up at him. ‘There are grab rails.’
He wanted to say that she didn’t need grab rails—that she could hold onto him. But the truth was that she did—because he couldn’t be relied on, couldn’t be the man she deserved.
‘You’ve finished your calls?’ She nodded at the phone, lying on the floor.
‘Oh. Yeah. Nothing urgent.’ Another layer of misery folded around his heart. That was the real reason for her tears. He’d got out of bed so hurriedly that he couldn’t have failed to wake her up, and she’d heard him downstairs. It felt almost as if he’d been caught being unfaithful to her. Leo was under no illusions that he’d betrayed her trust.
He stood, catching up his jeans from the washing basket and pulling them on. It was suddenly chilling to be this naked in front of her. ‘I’ll bring your bag, and then I’ll go and get us something to eat.’
She nodded. ‘Thanks. That would be nice.’
* * *
Alex had gulped down the coffee he’d made and pushed the banana pancakes around on her plate, in a gesture towards eating them.
‘What are you doing today?’ Maybe she’d stay and they could try to work this out. Although Leo couldn’t think how they were going to do that.
‘I should get home. I...’ She shrugged.
‘You’re not coming back, are you?’ He’d seen women decide not to come back before, and he knew the signs. Maybe time had softened the memory, but he didn’t recall it hurting quite as much as this.
‘No, I need... With my leg, Leo, I need to...’ She lapsed suddenly into silence.
‘If you want to give me a reason then give one. If you don’t, that’s fine. But the one thing I won’t take from you is that it’s because of your leg, Alex. That’s not a reason and we both know that.’
‘Yes, we do.’ She gave a sudden, all too brief, smile. ‘I need to feel that you might be able to...that for just some of the time you can forget everything else and be with me, without regretting it afterwards. I don’t think that’s going to happen.’
He could tell her that it would. He could tell her he’d make it happen, but he’d be lying. The panic he’d felt this morning, the tearing regret that he’d been so stupid as to lose himself with Alex, had been a gut reaction but it had been there. She deserved a great deal more than that.
