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He shook his head. The pain was radiating off him. I felt it. It was choking me at the same time, and my god, I didn’t want this to be said. I didn’t want to choose. It wasn’t—how could I love two men? How . . . I couldn’t push past the pain. It was suffocating me.
“I’m so sorry, Bryce.” That was all I could say. “I’m so sorry.”
“I should’ve waited a year.” He spoke as if he were speaking to himself. “I shouldn’t have gone right after high school. Gone to college. Played there. I could’ve kept you. Kept my friendship with Corrigan the same. Everything would’ve been the same. And I wouldn’t have . . . lost you.”
I closed my eyes. It was hurting to see his regret. Hearing it was enough. I felt like I was continuously being stabbed again.
“Can you say something? Please?”
I looked back up. The anguish in his eyes broke me, and the words started to spill. “I don’t have anything to say that will make it better. I didn’t want to choose. I didn’t. I kept putting it off, and I don’t know if I ever would’ve if Maria hadn’t—” An image of her holding the knife flashed in my mind. It rattled me. “I—if she hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have known.”
“You did know. Don’t give me that bullshit. I know you knew. He was in your room the other night.”
“I was angry with you. I wanted someone to blame. I didn’t want to think Grace’s death was my fault, and you offered me an excuse to blame someone else.” I gentled my voice.
“I knew as soon as I shut the door that it was wrong. I told Corrigan that right away. He knew.”
“He still slept with you.”
“He . . .” I hesitated. “It was in case it was our only night, and we didn’t have sex.” A voice laughed in my head at me, But you made love. I held my tongue. “I’m sorry, Bryce. I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah.” He hung his head. “You’ve said that already.”
“I—just.” I bit down on my lip. My mind was racing and two things kept blaring at me, but did I dare? Would that help him? I shook my head. I couldn’t hold anything back anymore. Honesty was what he needed. This had to be done the right way, and that’s what I would’ve wanted. So I started, “Corrigan was adamant that I have had a wall blocking you this whole time. He wanted me to chip at it and break it down. I think he thought that when I did that, my old feelings for you would come back, and I didn’t know what would happen then.” I glanced down at my lap. The blanket was tangled up in a ball around my hands and I began picking at a thread. “Maybe there’s a wall. I don’t know, but I’ve tried. I’ve tried breaking it down. I can’t. I just can’t and every time I do, it always comes back to me.” I looked back up. My throat was raw. “We had our time.”
His head folded back down to his chest.
God. I struggled to breathe. I continued, hoarse now, “We didn’t work and sometime in there, I fell in love with Corrigan. The only thing—” I broke off. Did I add this? Would this help him?
Be honest, Sheldon. It’s what he needs.
Grace’s voice drifted back to me. That’s what she would’ve said. So I whispered, “I’m like both you and Corrigan in different ways, but you and me, we’re fucked-up..”
I felt him looking at me again, but this time I was the one who looked away. This was the most honest I’ve ever been and I felt stripped and exposed. I continued, “We’re fuck-ups. We fucked up all the time. In high school. Afterwards. The only thing we did right was saving his life and killing Marcus. I loved you so much back then. I did. You and me, we were an indestructible team. No one was more powerful, but with loving each other, we failed.”
That was the truth.
So was this. “You failed me, and I failed you. And during that time, Corrigan became my rock. He’d do a lot of dark shit, but he’s never fucked-up when it came to being there for me. He was my shelter. Going back there, going through the same pain, it would happen again. If you and I tried again, it would never work. I’m not in love with you anymore.”
He let out a hissing sound.
I bit down on my lip, pausing for a moment.
Keep going, Sheldon. You owe him this moment of complete truth. Do not hold back, Grace’s voice whispered to me again. You wouldn’t want it held back either.
I grinned to myself. Even dead, she was a pain in the ass. She was right, though. I pulled even more at that thread. I kept winding it around my hand. “I think the thing that’s been holding me back is that Corrigan is better than us. I don’t know if I’m the woman for him. I’m sure there’s someone better for him, and that’s the truth about him. I don’t deserve him, but if he’ll have me, I’ll be a better person because of him.”
“Sheldon,” Bryce choked out, shaking his head. “He’s not better than you. Don’t talk about yourself like that. I don’t like hearing that. You’re a pain in the ass, but you’re the fiercest and most loyal person there is. If someone is loved by you, they are goddamn lucky.”
“Yeah.” I pulled harder at the thread. “Maybe. I’m supposed to be letting you down. Stop making me feel better about myself.”
He bit out an anguished laugh. “Yeah. So sorry. Go on breaking my heart.”
I grinned ruefully at him. He mirrored my look, right back at me. I murmured, “I do love you, Bryce. I always will.”
His head jerked up and down in an awkward motion. “I know. You’re just not in love with me.” He sighed. “That’s so fucking cliché.”
But it was true, and tears were rolling down my face again.
