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She thought back to the one night they'd spent together. A secret night that nobody knew about. At Amelia Sachs's town house, when she was staying at Lincoln Rhyme's and Pam, and Stuart, had the place to themselves. It was magical. She wished every night of her life could be like that one.
She gripped his hand harder yet.
He whispered, "I can't lose you."
He inched closer on the bench. She found comfort in every square inch of contact. She actually had written a poem about him, describing their attraction as gravitational: one of the fundamental forces in the universe.
Pam rested her head against his shoulder.
"I promise I'll never hide anything from you again. But please . . . I have to keep seeing you."
She thought of the wonderful times they'd had, times that would seem insignificant to anyone else, silly.
Nothing like it.
The comfort was like warm water on a wound, washing away the pain.
When they'd been on the run, Pam and her mother had lived with and around petty men who would strike them "for their own good," who didn't share a word with their wives or children except when correcting or silencing them.
Stuart wasn't even in the same universe with those monsters.
He whispered, "Just give me a little while. It'll work out. I promise. We'll see each other like we have been. . . . Hey, here's an idea. I know you want to travel. There's a poetry conference in Montreal next month. I could fly you there, get you a room. You could attend the sessions. And we'd have the evenings free."
"Oh, I love you." She leaned toward his face. "I understand why you didn't tell me, really."
He gripped her hard, kissed her neck. "Pam, I'm so--"
Which is when she eased back and clutched her book bag to her chest like a shield. "But no, Stuart."
"What?"
Pam believed her heart was beating faster than it ever had. "When you get divorced call me up and let's see. But until then, no. I can't see you anymore."
She'd said what she thought Amelia Sachs would say at a time like this. But could she behave the same and not cry? Amelia wouldn't. No way.
She slapped a smile onto her face, struggling to control the pain as the loneliness and panic killed the comfort instantly. The warmth froze to icy shards.
"But, Pam, you're everything to me."
"But what are you to me, Stuart? You can't be everything. And I'm not willing to take less than that." Keep your voice steady, she told herself. "If you get a divorce I'll be with you. . . . Will you?"
Now the seductive eyes lowered. "Yes." A whisper.
"Now?"
"I can't just now. It's complicated."
"No, Stuart. It's really, really simple." She rose. "If I don't see you again, have a nice life." She began walking away quickly, heading for Amelia's town house, which was nearby.
Okay, maybe Amelia wouldn't cry. But Pam could no longer hold the tears back. She walked straight down the sidewalk, eyes streaming, and--afraid she'd weaken--not daring to look back, not daring to think about what she'd done.
Though she did have one thought about the encounter, which she supposed someday she'd consider pretty funny: What a sucky parting line that was. Wish I'd come up with something better.
Chapter Thirty-eight Mel Cooper was frowning.
"The warehouse? Where Joe was killed? Some publisher rents it to store paper there for recycling, though it hasn't been used actively for months. But what's strange is that the ownership's not clear."
"What does that mean?"
