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Maybe he had always understood, in his own way. Maybe I hadn’t given him enough credit. I’d been so busy having my little pity party and trying to destroy myself that I hadn’t been able to see it. But I no longer wanted to destroy myself. I wanted to live. I finally had something to live for—Jade. And loving Jade had opened my eyes and restored my sight. I could finally see what else had always been there to live for—Joe, Ryan, Marjorie, my ranch.
And me.
I wanted to live for me.
I opened my mouth to try to put this into words to my brothers, but Joe squeezed my forearm.
“It’s okay, Tal. You don’t have to say it.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat. “Thanks,” I said gruffly.
“You don’t have to thank me.”
“Me either,” Ryan said. “I should be thanking you.”
“You have, Ry, many times. You don’t have to anymore.”
Awkward silence reigned for a few moments, until Jonah cleared his throat. “So how do you want to handle this, Tal? You take the lead on this. Do you want to go see the doc by yourself at first? You want us to go with you? Would you rather we not go at all? We’ll do this your way, won’t we, Ry?”
“Absolutely,” Ryan agreed.
“Thanks,” I said again. “I’ll go myself first. It’ll be difficult, and I don’t want you to see me like…that.”
“Talon,” Ryan began, “you don’t have to—”
“No, Ryan. This is his call.”
“Okay.”
My younger brother nodded.
“But if you guys want to go. I mean, if you feel like you have your own issues…” I let out a sigh. “I get it. I do. This has affected all of us. I haven’t been able to see anyone’s pain but my own, and I’m sorry for that.”
“Tal,” Jonah said, “I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you say ‘I’m sorry’ without wincing through it.” He let out a chuckle.
“I guess I’m seeing things a little differently these days.”
“A good woman can do that,” Ryan laughed.
“I don’t know that it’s Jade…” Yeah, right. They’d never buy that. “Okay, so it is Jade, but caring for Jade… Goddamn it… Loving Jade has made me see everything more clearly. Not just what I feel for her, but you guys, Marj, myself. Everything looks different now. I know I’ve been selfish.”
“Tal…” Ryan started.
“No, Ryan, let me say this. Just because I went through hell doesn’t give me the right to be a jerk. And I’ve been one. Hell… I’ve got to tell you… God, this is embarrassing…”
Joe started to speak, but I held up my hand to stop him. I had to do this.
“When I went into Grand Junction, sometimes it was to hook up with some one-night stand, but other times…”
“What?”
“Other times…I’d walk through skid row, purposely trying to get mugged, so I could beat up the muggers.” At my brothers’ shocked faces, I held up my hand again. “No, don’t worry. I never did any lasting damage. Heck, I didn’t beat them as much as I beat that asshole ex of Jade’s.” I looked up to the window.
And speak of the goddamned devil. I stood, anger raging beneath my skin. “Fucking A.”
Across the street, coming out of Enzio’s…
Ryan and Jonah stood.
