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My brothers’ faces were unreadable. They didn’t look surprised at my admission. But why would they be? Why else would three psychopathic degenerates keep a young boy prisoner for months? Surely they’d known, or at least guessed. I’d been taken to a pediatrician and poked and prodded after my return, so my parents must have known, even though I never spoke of it.
“Once they were done, I threw up. I couldn’t help it. They left me, and I lay down on my blanket. What might’ve been a couple of hours later, one of them brought me a glass of water and a sandwich, along with an old paint bucket I was told to piss and shit in. I ate the sandwich and drank the water. Sometimes they tormented me with water, holding a really nice clean glass of crisp ice water just out of my reach. I still have nightmares about that sometimes. I still have nightmares about all of it.”
Jonah cleared his throat. “That’s perfectly understandable.”
Of course it was. I looked to my older brother. “Now that you know the gory details, do you still wish it had been you instead of me?”
The question was unfair, I knew. But Joe had always wished he had been there to protect me. I wanted my brothers to be happy that this hadn’t happened to them. I wouldn’t wish that horror on either of them. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, except the three psychos who’d done it to me. On them, I wished all that and everything else hell had to offer.
And I was well acquainted with what hell had to offer.
“I don’t really know how to answer that,” Joe said.
“Just say you’re glad that didn’t happen to you.”
He shook his head. “I can’t.”
I heaved a sigh. My older brother wrestled with his own demons. I knew that. I wished I could help him, but I couldn’t do a damn thing for anyone until I helped myself.
“How did you escape?” Ryan asked.
“I don’t really remember. Every once in a while they would leave the door open and dare me to run away. Every time I tried, of course, they caught me and punished me for it, so I stopped trying. One day, the door was open, and they hadn’t come. I don’t know if they had just forgotten to lock me back in or what. But I ran up the stairs wearing only my tattered T-shirt. I had no pants.”
“But when you were found,” Ryan said, “you were wearing your clothes.”
“That’s one of the things I can’t figure out,” I said. “I remember walking up the stairs, opening the door that had been left open a crack, running outside, and then scampering across the vast wilderness. And the next thing I remember I had clothes on and I was walking around the outskirts of Snow Creek.”
“Maybe you blacked out,” Jonah said.
“Maybe,” I said, “but I was ten years old. Where would I have found clothes?”
Jonah rubbed his jawline. “Maybe you found a house and went to it and asked for clothes.”
I shook my head. “No, that doesn’t make any sense. Anyone who found me and gave me clothes would have alerted Dad. Or at least the police.”
“True,” Ryan said.
“Is there anything else you want to tell us about this?” Jonah asked.
“No. You can certainly infer the rest. It happened many times. I stopped counting. Why would I want to remember that number? Some things are a blur, but what isn’t a blur is what they did to me. I remember every horrific detail of the pain and of the humiliation. And unfortunately, it has made me who I am today.”
“You’re wrong, Tal,” Ryan said. “Those couple of months don’t define you. You’re a good person. You were a hero overseas, and you’re a hero to me.”
“Only because I saved you that day. And let me tell you, I’m fucking glad you got away.”
Of course, my younger brother didn’t respond. Neither of my brothers could ever admit that they were glad that this hadn’t happened to them. I didn’t understand, but maybe I wasn’t meant to. They had their own issues that they needed to work through. Jonah especially. He shouldered a lot of guilt because of what happened to me that day. I’d tried to relieve him of it, but I had not been successful.
“How much of this are we telling Marj?” Joe asked.
I sighed. “Only the bare minimum. And definitely not the part about them butchering Luke. I don’t want our baby sister burdened with any more than necessary. I’m sorry I had to burden you guys.”
Joe shook his head. “No, Tal, we needed to know.”
True. They d
id. In their own ways, they had gone through it with me. “Do you guys want to come to therapy sometime? Or go by yourself? I’m sure Dr. Carmichael would be happy to see you.”
“Whatever you want us to do,” Ryan said.
