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“It doesn’t matter.”
I sat down in the chair next to her bed. “I understand you’re seeing Dr. Bennett. He’s excellent.”
This time she turned toward me. “What would you know about excellent? You couldn’t save my daughter.”
A dagger sliced into my gut. I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
“Dr. Bennett is a very good doctor,” Beth said, “and so is Dr. Carmichael.”
I appreciated Beth’s confidence in me, but I wasn’t sure now was the right time for her to voice it.
“Mrs. Cates, I’m so very sorry about what happened to Gina.”
“Not sorry enough.”
What could I say to that? She had experienced an unbearable loss, and in her mind, I was to blame. She could never know how sorry I was. She had refused to take my call after Gina’s death, and after that, I’d sought advice from an attorney. He advised me not to communicate with Gina’s parents. If I hadn’t called the other night, would Mrs. Cates be lying here now? Had my calling brought her pain back somehow? God, that call had been a mistake. It had been pure self-indulgence, only to ease my own guilt. I’d berated myself over and over again since then. I knew better, and I hadn’t given a thought to how it might affect Gina’s parents. Ironically, it hadn’t done a thing for my guilt anyway.
Tears emerged in the corner of my eyes. Hold it together, Melanie. You can’t cry in front of this woman. I inhaled and stood. “I’ll leave you to get your rest now, Mrs. Cates. Thank you for seeing me. I’m so glad you’re okay.”
I turned and walked out. Beth’s soft padded footsteps followed me.
“Dr. Carmichael,” Beth said, “I want you to know that none of us here on staff think any of this is your fault.”
I wiped my eyes. “I know that. Thank you.”
“Dr. Bennett doesn’t think it’s your fault either.”
“I appreciate that, Beth. I really do. However, I feel like complete shit.”
She nodded. “It’s never easy to lose a patient. I’ve lost my share of them.”
I was sure she had, but it was different for a nurse. Granted, nurses cared for patients on a daily basis and sometimes got to know them as well or better than their physicians did. But it wasn’t the nurse who was charged with primary care. It wasn’t the same thing at all.
“I know.” I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t tell her that I thought it was different for her, even though I knew nurses felt the loss of a patient deeply. Maybe it wasn’t so different. “Thanks for getting me in to see her. Please take good care of her.”
Beth smiled. “You know I will, and so will Dr. Bennett.”
I nodded, unable to speak past the lump in my throat. I gave her a small smile and walked toward the elevator.
The elevator doors opened, and I gasped. Standing in front of me was none other than Jonah Steel.
I froze in my tracks. What to do now? What else could I do? I got on the elevator.
“Hello, Jonah,” I said rather formally.
“Hello, Melanie,” he said in a similar tone.
“Aren’t you getting off the elevator?”
“Why would I?”
“I just assumed maybe you were visiting someone on the floor?”
“Nope.”
“Then you’re coming from another floor?”
“No.”
