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Just as it had to…me.
Anxiety and depression. Those were the two reasons I’d ended up in the hospital for so long. Bullies had beaten me, sent me spiraling downward. Then Sage moved away.
Funny I didn’t remember the bullies, but there was so much else I didn’t remember, so I didn’t think much about any of it.
Until now.
I remembered those people at the hospital.
Something horrible had sent them there. Perhaps anxiety and depression, yes, but something had caused the anxiety and depression.
Just like something had caused it for me.
The bullies.
The bullies I didn’t remember.
Could a person spiral down into severe anxiety and depression just by being bullied once? For years at a time, sure, but once?
I had no memory loss before junior year. I’d been picked on a few times, just like any other kid, and I hadn’t become anxious or depressed.
What had truly happened? If only I could remember…
My brows shot up. I didn’t have to remember, because someone else did, and she was here on this ranch.
My mother.
I left the greenhouse.
Mom and I were going to talk.
I fed the baby and spent some time with him after lunch, and then I cornered my mother. I’d tread softly. She’d just been through a rough ordeal herself recently, and I didn’t want to make anything worse.
But I had to know for sure what had sent me into such horrid anxiety and depression that I’d ended up hospitalized for most of my junior year.
Brad was still busy in his office. I didn’t want Mazie to interrupt us, so I took Mom into the master suite I shared with Brad. I laid Jonah in his cradle and then turned to her.
“Mom, I need to talk to you.”
“What about, honey?”
“First, how are you? I mean, how are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“No more suicidal thoughts?”
“No, sweetie. I’m good now. I’m so sorry I put you and your father through that.”
“Was it because of me?” I winced. I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer, but I had to know.
“No. Of course not.”
“Mom…”
She sighed. “I always wondered what I’d say if either you or your father asked me that straight out.”
“The truth, Mom.”
She sighed again. “No. My answer stands. It wasn’t because of you. Rather, not solely because of you.”
I swallowed, feeling icy. “What does that mean, exactly?”
“I’ve talked at length with my therapist, and we feel I was trying so hard to be strong for you, and once I found out you had Brad and you were going to build a life, it was like a load had been lifted from my shoulders.”
“But why would that make you—”
She gestured me to stop. “It sounds senseless, I know. But I’d held back on letting the depression take me because of you, and once you were no longer my responsibility…” She shook her head. “Even now, the words sound ridiculous, but if you were in my head, you’d understand.”
“I want to understand, Mom, and I think I can. I’ve been through the same thing.”
“I know, honey.”
“I’m starting to remember some things.”
She went rigid and her cheeks lost their color.
“Mom?”
She didn’t respond.
“Mom? What’s wrong?”
She closed her eyes, seeming to brace herself. Then she opened her eyes and met my gaze. “What are you remembering, Daphne?”
“Some of the people from the hospital.”
Her shoulders relaxed. “Oh. Good. Thank God.”
I wrinkled my forehead. “Thank God?”
“Just…thank God you’re finally starting to remember, is all. It must be a load off your mind.”
“Not really. I have a lot more questions, actually.”
She cleared her throat. “Oh?”
“Yeah. Dr. Payne told me memories would come when I was ready to face them or when I needed them. Why would I be remembering the other patients now?”
She cleared her throat again. “That’s probably a question for Dr. Payne.”
“He’s not here.”
“Are you seeing a therapist in Snow Creek?”
“No. There’s been too much else going on with the marriage and pregnancy and then George’s death. I haven’t had time to think about therapy. And now, with Joe so little… He needs me.”
“I’m here. I can watch Joe for you while you go into town to see a therapist.”
“You won’t be here forever, Mom. Dad needs you back home.”
“When I leave, Mazie will be here. She loves that baby as much as I do.”
“True. Is there even a therapist in Snow Creek?”
“One way to find out.” She picked up the phone book that sat next to the phone on the end table in the family room. She leafed through it. “Here we go. Maryann Masters, family therapist.”
“I don’t need a family therapist. I need a psychologist.”
“Okay. Here’s one. Devin Pelletier. He sees patients at Maryann Masters’s office once a week in Snow Creek. Looks like he’s based in Grand Junction, though he has an office in Denver too.”
“Devin Pelletier? What are his qualifications?”
“He’s a psychiatrist, which means he has an MD. Also he’s licensed as a clinical psychologist.”
