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Scary, how I can get used to the other things.
The unspeakable things.
I learned when and when not to fight it.
I fight the most when I’m protecting Donny.
When they use me, I try to escape somewhere else in my mind. To a place that makes me happy.
I never find such a place, but still I try.
At least I can lie there until it’s over. Yeah, it hurts each time. Yeah, sometimes there’s blood. Going to the bathroom afterward is murder.
Until it all became part of the daily routine.
The daily routine…
Until this day.
They take me.
Take me away from my brother, which they almost never do. Usually, we’re forced to watch as the other gets violated, and it’s usually me.
This time.
I should have known.
This time, they’re going to do something so horrible they don’t want my brother to see it.
And they laugh.
They laugh like the maniacs they are.
And I brace myself.
But even I, after all I’ve been through, can’t imagine the horrors that await.
“Dale!” Ashley shakes my shoulder. “Dale!”
I return to reality with a jolt. “What?”
“You were a million miles away for a minute. Brock was just teasing.”
I look over at Brock and the others. They’re involved in their pool game once again. Ashley and I are nothing more than a couple flies on the wall that merited their attention infrequently.
“I wish you hadn’t told me,” I say.
“Told you what?”
“About…everything. The orgy. All the sex.”
“It was impulsive,” she admits. “I shouldn’t have, at least not here, but do you love me any less?”
“Of course not. I just… I don’t like to think of you with anyone else.”
“You’ve been with others.”
“Not nearly as many as you.” No truer words.
She twists her lips. “I’m not going to apologize to you for my past.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Aren’t you?”
“No. Not really. I’m just wondering…why.”
She smiles. “I like sex. It’s a huge sensory experience for me because of my synesthesia.”
“So if not for the synesthesia, you wouldn’t be so experienced?”
“What kind of question is that?” she demands. “I’m me. Ashley. And Ashley has synesthesia. Ashley likes sex. Ashley is in love with you.”
“What if we’d met before now?”
She crosses her arms. “Dale, what is this about? Are you doubting my love for you?”
Yeah. Yeah, I am, though I don’t say it aloud. Of course I doubt her love for me. I’m a fucked-up mess. One day, when she realizes she can’t live with the chaos, she’ll leave.
Which is why I won’t commit to more than two months. That way, I’ll be the one to end it. If she ended it, I’d die.
Her phone buzzes on the bar. “Just a sec.” She picks it up. “It’s my mom. Do you mind?”
I shake my head. “Of course not. Go ahead.”
Her mom. Who loves her and whom she loves. This conversation started about our mothers. I wanted to understand how to be a better son to my own mother. Boy, have we gone on a detour.
“Hey, Mom,” she says.
I signal the barkeep for a refill on my wine.
Why don’t you two get a room?
Not a bad idea at all. I pull my phone out of my pocket and speed dial the hotel down the street.
Get a room.
Damned good idea.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ashley
“Hold on,” I say to my mom. “I’m at a bar, and it’s kind of loud in here. I’m going to step outside.” I gesture to Dale where I’m going and then head outside onto the sidewalk. “Sorry about that.”
“No problem,” Mom says. “I have some exciting news!”
“Oh? What’s going on?”
“We’re coming to visit you!”
I jerk in surprise. “You are?”
“Yes! I got some time off work, and we’re coming to Colorado.”
This is weird. Mom never takes time off work. She says her clients need her to be beautiful.
“Wait a minute. What do you mean we?”
“That’s the other part of the news, Ashley. I’m getting married!”
My stomach drops. Married? She wasn’t dating anyone when I left. Was she?
I’m not sure how much time passes before Mom says, “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“Uh…who exactly are you marrying?”
“His name is Dennis. I know you’re going to love him.”
“And you’ve known him how long?”
“A couple months.”
“You were dating him before I left?”
“I was.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“There was no reason to at the time. We were just starting to see each other.”
Okay, makes sense. I guess. “Are you sure, Mom? You’ve never…”
“Never what?”
“You never seemed to have any interest in marriage before now.”
“I wasn’t interested before now. I had you. You were my priority, but now you’re almost done with your doctorate. You’ll be working, taking care of yourself, so I can think about myself and what makes me happy.”
“Mom, I never meant for you—”
“This isn’t a guilt trip, Ash. I wanted to make you a priority. If you’d gone into a trade, like I suggested, I could have…”
I could have done something for myself before now.
