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And he begins to speak.
As he enunciates each word, I go back in my head. Back to a place I never let myself think about. Never let myself remember.
“It was that last time,” he says. “Right before we were rescued. They took me.” He clears his throat. “And then they took you.”
I nod. Trying not to think about it even as he continues speaking.
Because that last time…
It was horrific. More horrific than all the others combined. But probably not more horrific than what Dale went through. He saved me so many times. Begged them to take him instead of me. Fought for me. Struggled, bit, kicked to keep them from touching me.
“The last time,” he says, “when they tried to take you, but I made them take me instead.”
I nod. Then I gulp. “Dale, I don’t want details. Please.”
“I won’t give them to you. I’ll say only this, Donny.” He swallows, pauses, swallows again. “They broke me. That time. They finally broke me.”
“They broke me long before, Dale. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I’m not ashamed of it,” he says. “Not of being weak.”
“You shouldn’t be. You were a little boy. We both were.”
“I know that. And I’ve forgiven myself. I just hope you can forgive me.”
“For what? I don’t understand, Dale.”
He clears his throat. “That last time. They broke me. You don’t want details. I won’t give them to you. Suffice it to say, everything they’d done to me previously was like nothing. It was…pure torture, and the only way they would stop was if…”
“It’s okay. Go ahead.”
“Was if I told them to do it to you instead.”
My stomach drops. I remember that last time. It was hell because it was prolonged, but it wasn’t anything they hadn’t done to me before. It was…
No. Can’t go there.
I don’t think about this. There’s a reason I don’t think about this.
“I forsook you, Don, and I’m sorry.”
Forsook. An interesting choice of words. My brother didn’t choose this word by accident.
He felt he had abandoned me. Offered me up to the wolves to save his own hide.
I swallow. Though I expect to feel angry—especially after everything else this evening—I don’t. I feel…
Helpless.
Just as helpless as I felt when we were stolen from our home that day, thrown into that cold concrete room.
But I wasn’t helpless.
I had Dale.
And Dale had…
Dale had no one.
Seconds pass. Then minutes.
“For God’s sake, Don, say something. Anything.”
I open my mouth, hoping I’ll find words. Nothing comes.
“I don’t expect your forgiveness,” he says.
Those words slice straight into my heart. “It was so long ago, Dale. Of course I forgive you. You protected me. Always.”
“Except that time.”
I swallow. “Except that time. But if it helps… God, I hate thinking about this.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
I clear my throat. “If it helps, they didn’t do anything different to me that time. They… God, I can’t say it.”
“I know. I remember Aunt Ruby gave you a bath because you told her you hurt down there. And you tried to—” He closes his eyes, shakes his head harshly “So I know what they did to you, Don.”
“But they had done it before.”
“Are you saying they didn’t…” He clears his throat. “Do it with something…sharp?”
I gasp, my jaw dropping. “No! My God, did they—”
He gestures for me to stop. “Please, don’t even say it. It’s okay. I’m okay. Now. Better, even, knowing you didn’t endure that.”
“All these years, you thought…” I shake my head.
“Yes. But now I know. Now I’ve admitted what I did, and you forgave me.”
“Is it forgiveness you’re after, Dale? Or is it redemption?”
“It’s forgiveness. I have nothing to redeem myself for. I was a child. We both were.”
I nod. “I’m glad you see it that way. We’re okay, Dale. We’re okay, and we always will be.”
“You’ve always been okay. But I am too. My last secret is out. Thank you for your forgiveness.”
“There’s nothing to forgive. We were children. And Dale, you were as strong as any ten-year-old child could have been in those circumstances.”
He nods. “I know that now. Thanks to Ashley, Dad, Aunt Mel. And now you.”
“No,” I say. “Thank no one but yourself. You’re the strongest man I know, Dale.”
My brother smiles. A full smile—one I’ve seen so seldom over the years but that I’ve seen a lot more since Ashley came into his life.
He’s happy.
And he deserves that.
