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Ally bit her lower lip. “No,” she said shakily.
“You told me you love me.”
She nodded. She could not lie to him about that. “I… I do love you, Evan.” And she did. It had come to her last night, as Mr. Landon’s lips hovered over her breast. She didn’t want him to touch her. She didn’t want anyone touching her but Evan. He invaded her thoughts night and day. She loved him. She could no longer deny it. She no longer wanted to.
She longed to be with him, but she’d made a promise to herself long ago. She would marry for money and nothing else. She had to make sure she, her sister, and her mother were taken care of. Mr. Landon could make that happen.
As much as she loved Evan, he was still a second son—a son with no inheritance. Sophie would say that didn’t matter. No, it shouldn’t, but Ally had gone without for long enough. She wouldn’t risk ending up with nothing. And she would never be a burden on another person, especially not Evan. When Father had died, she, Mother, and Sophie had been supported by Lily and Rose’s parents, the Earl and Countess of Ashford. The Countess was Mama’s younger sister.
Ally had hated being a burden. She would not do it again, and certainly not to someone she loved.
Evan’s eyes still glared, but something new and hollow had invaded them. Sadness?
“You love me, yet you’d marry someone else?”
“You don’t understand—”
He grabbed her wrist. “I understand perfectly. You’re lying to me. You don’t love me.”
“No.” She vehemently shook her head. “I’m not. I would never lie about something like that.”
“But you’d lie about something else? About what then?”
“No, no, no.” That had come out all wrong. “I… I have a plan. I’ve had it in the works for months, and I—” Fear slammed into her when she recalled the ominous note she’d received earlier. It could have two distinct meanings, and she knew not to which it referred. “You don’t want to marry me anyway. I’m not…good enough for you.”
She was right about that. All she’d been through… She was damaged. Part of her head might never be right due to the abuse she’d suffered. She still had nightmares, the horrid dreams she’d probably never shake.
“Not good enough! What the fuck do you mean by that?”
She shook her head, willing the threatening tears away. How many years of her life had she spent berating herself? Her father had blamed both Sophie and her for not being boys, the heir that he wanted. But once her father had died, she had become goal-oriented. She was smart, attractive, strong. She’d make a good partner for the person she chose. And that person would have so much wealth that Ally would never have to worry about anything again.
She’d never thought she would actually fall in love. It had sneaked up on her, invaded her senses, personified in the man with whom she’d felt most likely never to fall in love. She’d always appreciated Evan’s male beauty, his strength, his quiet demeanor. But his seriousness and adherence to convention had racked her nerves.
Here she was, completely in love with this beautiful man, and miracle of all miracles, he seemed to love her as well. She did not doubt his sincerity, and their physical attraction and chemistry was beyond obvious. But what she felt for him went so much further. She felt at one with him—at peace with herself.
And that was a new feeling. She wasn’t sure she was ready for it.
Part of her was broken. Her father had seen to that. Evan deserved better.
She’d never felt guilty about her desire to marry only for money. She would use her husband, and he would use her as well, for the physical necessities of marriage as well as to bear him children. She had plans to be a good wife. She would be by his side at all social gatherings, looking her absolute best and attending to all social graces. She was prepared to be a whore in the bedroom if that was what he required. She would earn her keep, and she would earn it well. The fact that she was broken in some ways wouldn’t matter because she didn’t need her husband’s love, and he would not have hers.
No, she could never be with Evan.
Evan’s eyes, though still clouded with anger, misted. “Are you going to answer me sometime this century?”
Ally hedged. “I’m not sure how to answer you, Evan. I’ve known for some time that I would never marry for love. There are certain things I may never be able to give you, and you deserve everything.”
“I love you, damn it. You are all I want and all I need.”
Ally shook her head. “You only think I’m what you want. We have a good time between the sheets. Don’t mistake that for love.”
Evan scowled. “You honestly think I could mistake sex for love? You ought to know by now that I am by no means inexperienced in the act. I have had many women, and never have I fallen in love with any of them. I courted your cousin, a beauty by anyone’s standards, yet I could not
fall in love with her. I’ve never said those words to anyone, Alexandra, and I do not say them lightly. However, it appears that you do.”
Alexandra swallowed. She did not say the words lightly either. But she had made a mistake in saying them, even though they were true—most probably the truest words she’d ever spoken. She could not say them again.
“I intend to marry Mr. Landon,” she said, willing her voice not to shake.
