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“And I’d be perfectly happy if you wore nothing. In fact, I wouldn’t even notice.”
“Ow! That hurt.” He grinned, glad for any attention, even if it was negative.
The song switched to a slow dance, and Charlie moved as if to leave. But he held onto her hand. “Please... Can’t we talk, only for a minute?”
“There’s no use, Josh. Why do you keep pursuing me?”
He pulled her back to him, lifting her hands and placing them on his shoulders, and setting his at her waist. “See, nothing indecent—just a dance and some conversation. Tell me about school.”
“It’s fine.”
He waited for further comment, but none came. “Charlie, I don’t understand why you won’t even give me a chance.”
She was silent for a moment, and he thought she wouldn’t respond. But then the deluge came.
“We’re too different, Josh. We live in different states, we have different dreams, and we have different beliefs and values. You believe in casual sex, and that’s fine for you. But I’m the absolute opposite of that. Can’t you see? There’s no hope.”
“There’s no hope because you refuse to allow it. I’m changing. I’ve already changed. I’m not the same man you met six months ago, but you won’t give me an opportunity to prove it.”
“Why are you trying to change into something different to please me? You were fine and happy before you met me. There were obviously lots and lots of women who liked you just the way you were. Why try to change into something you’re not?”
“But that’s the thing. I wasn’t fine and happy before I met you. I was miserable, and I didn’t even know it. And now I’ve met you, so I know I could be really happy if I changed and you loved me. But, you won’t give me a chance, so I’m still miserable.”
“So, you’re saying meeting me took you from being blissfully ignorant about how miserable you were to consciously aware of how miserable you are.”
“You’re twisting my words.” He ground his teeth together, searching for something to say, anything to break through her barriers. “Charlie... Don’t you miss me, even a little? Don’t you ever think about that kiss?”
She was quiet for a moment. “Josh... Okay, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t physically attracted to you. There. Are you happy? But, that’s not enough to build a relationship on.”
His mind was spinning. This was his moment, his only opportunity. She’d finally at least admitted to an attraction. If that attraction was all he had to work with, he’d have to improvise.
“So, physically, you could see yourself being married to me? I mean, if
I was a different guy with this body and this face, you could love me?”
Her cheeks were so red, he thought she might be in pain.
“I… That’s… Okay, yes, I mean, if you were someone else. But—”
“So, what’s he like? This other guy? This someone else you’re going to marry someday?”
“I… Honestly, I don’t think he exists. I don’t think there’s a guy I’m willing to give up all my independence for. I don’t really need a guy, anyway.”
“But if he did exist, what would he be like?”
“I don’t know. I don’t spend time thinking about it.” She frowned, pursing her lips. “I guess he’d be a partner. I don’t need someone to take care of me like a parent. And… He’d have some cool job, like, I don’t know… Maybe he’d be a fireman. Someone brave and adventurous who helps people. Not someone who spends his whole life working to make more money. And he’d be the sort of guy who only wanted to be with one woman for the rest of his life. I don’t want to constantly think I’m being compared with someone else—and probably coming up short.”
Josh was quiet for a moment, contemplating her words. “Thank you. At least I understand what you want, and how you see me.” He couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice.
“Josh, I’m sorry—”
“No, it’s okay. It’s my fault. You hit closer to home than you realize. That’s pretty much who I was, but not who I am, and not who intend to be.” He took a deep breath and blew it out through his lips. “But let me ask you one thing. You don’t think you could ever love a doctor? Not even an adventurous doctor who wanted to help people?”
Charlie felt her face flushing again. She had so little control around this man. It was one of the reasons he made her feel so uncomfortable. When he’d asked her the first question, she’d tried to come up with a description he couldn’t possibly fit. It probably wasn’t even true. She had no idea who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with or who she could ever be in love with. She only knew her attraction to Josh made her lose the ability to think logically. When she was with him she always lost the upper hand, and she needed that advantage to compete. What was she supposed to say to his question since he was making it specific? What was a safe thing to say?
She was distressed to find tears flooding her eyes. What on earth was wrong with her? She blinked furiously, but a few escaped onto her cheeks. “I don’t know,” she answered truthfully, pulling her hands away, attempting to escape before he noticed her tears.
“Wait, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He pulled her back against him and wrapped his arms around her. The floodgates broke. She’d been working so hard to be independent and not accept any financial assistance from Steven. But her workload, along with classes and studying, had been overwhelming. And she’d felt so alone and isolated in Colorado with her family across the country in New York City, but she hadn’t wanted to admit it to anyone. She hated admitting she was wrong. She’d always hated it. She was so incredibly stressed, but refused to let anyone know. She didn’t want to burden her pregnant mom or her sister who was planning a wedding. Now, wrapped in the Josh’s arms, she realized how much she missed feeling cared for and comforted. The tears kept coming, even while she tried desperately to stop them.
