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He watched her cheeks flush. “He came to check out my ankle. And while he was here he put a new IV in Mom’s arm. That’s all. It was just doctor stuff.”
“So he’s your doctor now?” She flinched at his sarcasm.
“No. I didn’t even know he was a doctor.”
“You didn’t know when he gave you codeine? When he drugged you?”
“I didn’t know until this morning. And don’t use that tone with me!”
Spencer beat on his forehead with the palm of his hand, pounding out his frustration. “I can’t help it! You almost died! Don’t you understand? You don’t know what it was like—to see you laying there, not breathing. To think I’d lost you.”
He knelt down in front of her, and cupped her face in his hands. “I’ve dreamed about kissing you, imagined what it would be like. But the first time I put my lips on yours, I was trying to keep you alive. It wasn’t supposed to be like that.”
He watched her eyes, and she returned his intense gaze. Her tongue darted out to lick her lips, and he suppressed a groan. He hesitated, but when she didn’t pull away, he leaned in and touched his mouth to hers. Tentatively, holding back his passion, he explored the softness of her lips with his. His hands moved, caressing her cheeks, marveling at the silky feel of her skin beneath his fingers. His first kiss. No, his second. The first time, she hadn’t been breathing. This time, she kissed him back. He tried to control himself, but as he thought about how he’d almost lost her, his kiss became stronger, more desperate.
She pressed her mouth against his, her lips seeking his warmth, eager and terrified at the same time. She could feel his emotion, and she responded with equal fervor. Her hands were on his chest as she leaned forward trying to close the distance between them. The only thing she could hear was the sound of their ardent breathing and the pounding of her heart. She could feel his frantic heartbeat with her fingers. She’d been kissed before, but never like this. He kissed her like a thirsting man who’d crossed a dessert to find water. As if he was drawing his life-blood from her. She was opening herself up—she might be hurt again. Cuts and gashes and sprains were nothing compared to the pain that had been wrenched in her heart in the past. She was a fool to let herself fall for him, but she couldn’t stop.
His tongue stroked across her lips, and she parted them to allow him entry. Then her tongue danced with his as his kiss deepened. His hands fisted in her hair, and she was surprised to hear a small moan escape her throat. He responded with a groan she could feel vibrating in his chest. She sensed a tingle radiating down through her body. His right hand dropped down, his fingers trailing down her neck, leaving a fiery brand in their wake.
She was losing herself. She knew at that moment, had they been alone, she would give him everything—her mind, her body, her soul. A burst of panic seized her, and she broke away. She sat back, covering her mouth with her hands, staring at him with stark terror. He’d probably been with dozens of girls. Grace had told her Spencer loved her, but what did that even mean? What did this kiss mean to him? Certainly it wasn’t the total loss of self she’d just experienced. He obviously cared for her, and she owed him her life. But she’d sworn to protect herself from this type of assault. She needed to safeguard her heart. Otherwise it would be torn to shreds. And she could tell, simply from that kiss, Spencer c
ould do more damage than she’d ever experienced before.
“What’s wrong?” His distress was clearly written on his face. “Did I hurt you? Was it too hard?”
She couldn’t formulate the words to express what she felt. How could she explain her fears? How could she describe the precarious state of her heart? He was experienced, where she was naïve. Her own physical response to his kiss shocked her, and she knew she was losing the control she held so dear.
“No... I...” She blinked rapidly at the tears in her eyes. “I can’t... I can’t do this.”
“You can’t do what? You can’t kiss me? Was it bad?” He moved to sit beside her on the couch, clenching his fists in his lap.
“Bad? Ha! I think you know better than that. But I’m not ready for you. I’m too... You’re too... I can’t explain it.”
“I’m too what? Am I pushing you too fast?”
“Yes. No. You’re not pushing me. I... I know you can’t understand this, because it’s no big deal to you. I’m not... I’m not experienced. And I’m afraid.”
He looked frustrated. “I’m not... I won’t push you. I’d never do that. I mean, if I understand what we’re talking about. Are we talking about physical stuff?”
“Sort of. But I’m afraid of more than that—the emotional part too.”
“What if we said we’ll take it slow?”
“But slow to you is different than slow to me. I don’t know if I can handle another kiss like that.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned out loud. “I don’t know if I can handle not kissing you again. Not now I know what it’s like.” He looked at her with pleading eyes, and she felt her resolve melting.
“You see—that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You can’t look at me like that. It’s... it’s not fair.”
“But it wasn’t bad? You liked it, too? The kiss, I mean. Because... I really liked it.”
Emily noticed he looked unsure, even vulnerable, as he anticipated her answer. She experienced a little thrill her opinion was so important to him he discounted his own expertise.
She allowed herself a slight smile. “Oh I liked it—a little too much. That’s the problem.”
Now he was grinning. “I don’t see it as a problem. We’ll find some way to keep it from being a problem. Just don’t think about it so much.”
And catching her off guard, he leaned in and brushed his lips lightly across hers, then pulled away with his eyes closed, as if savoring her taste. When he opened his eyes, his pupils dilated in the middle of the pools of deep brown, she thought she might fall into them. She knew she was playing with fire, and her fear of being burned was stronger than ever.
