AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘She is a beautiful woman and an intelligent one. I imagine she is stimulating company.’ Elinor tried to be fair. ‘You must enjoy the freedom you have. I imagine it exceeds even what a gentleman might expect in England.’
‘Yes.’ Theo climbed beside her in silence for a w
hile. ‘Freedom, of course, is everything.’
Elinor was about to retort that it was not, that, precious though it was, there were other equally important things in life, and then the edge of bitterness in his voice struck her. How many lovers, how short a time with each? So much intimacy of the body—how much of the mind? No ties, no responsibility. No one to care about and no one to care about you.
‘I don’t agree,’ she said. ‘Not at the price of love.’
‘Who do you love?’ he asked harshly.
‘My mother. I loved my father. I love my friends and our cousin Bel.’ I love you. ‘Don’t you love anyone?’
He was silent so long that she thought he was not going to reply. They climbed on, up through the woodland, past a group of foresters stacking logs, up the last steep pull and out on to open scrubby meadow.
‘I do not intend ever to marry,’ Theo said abruptly. He stood still, shading his eyes, apparently orientating himself, then strode off along the crest.
Confused, Elinor stared after him. He had not answered her question. But that statement was clear enough. Why not? She bit her lip, watching him. It could only mean he loved someone he could not marry.
Chapter Fourteen
Elinor watched Theo walk away. Should she follow him? Did he want to be alone with his thoughts? So he was in love. Not with Ana. Not with herself, obviously. A hopeless love, then, one that was not returned. Or perhaps she was a married woman. No wonder he sought companionship from lovers and felt no attachment to any of them. It was lonely, unrequited love, she was discovering. At least Theo was not being tormented by daily contact with the object of his affections as she was.
It was better, she decided, not to marry at all rather than to marry someone one didn’t love, while all the time there was someone you did care for and could not have. No wonder he had reacted so strongly when she had come to his room, and had been so clear about their present masquerade being merely for convention.
He had stopped, dumped her easel and his satchel on the ground and was standing, hands on hips, looking out over the view. Elinor straightened her back, adjusted her own bag on her shoulder, and walked to join him, indulging herself with the opportunity to study the tall figure unobserved.
When she reached him, she realised he had found a fine view out towards the basilica perched on its hill. ‘Do you want to sketch?’ he asked without looking at her.
What she wanted was to talk. But did he? She studied his unresponsive profile. ‘Not just yet. That was a steep climb, I think I’ll sit over there on that outcrop of rock and enjoy the view for a while.’
It took almost quarter of an hour before he joined her. Elinor lifted her chin from her cupped hand and smiled at him. ‘Hello.’
‘Hello.’ He folded down on to the turf at the foot of her perch, presenting her with the unreadable back of his head. ‘I must apologise.’
‘For what?’
‘Brooding. You did not come up here to put up with me moping.’
If she reached down, she could run her fingers through his hair, smooth it down where the breeze had caught and tossed it into disarray. If she slid down the smooth rock, she could be in his arms. Elinor sat still and made herself smile so her voice would sound cheerful. ‘I would hardly call that moping. Or brooding. I’m your friend, Theo, we can talk to each other about things that matter to us, or we can be silent in each other’s company. It doesn’t matter.’ His shoulders dropped, as though he had relaxed. ‘There is someone, isn’t there? Doesn’t she love you? Or can’t she marry you?’
‘Doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to marry me,’ he said, tipping his head back against the rock. ‘Not that I’d ask. Can you imagine the sort of married life she would have to put up with, stuck in England while I’m away so much?’
‘Naval wives put up with it,’ Elinor said. ‘And in any case, why wouldn’t she travel with you? I would.’ Theo went very still. ‘If I was in love with you, that is. Or wanted to marry, for that matter.’
‘You, Nell, are unique. I can’t imagine any other woman I know living out of a trunk for months at a time or pulling a pistol on a pair of thugs. And what about the children?’
‘You would just have to get a bigger travelling coach,’ she said robustly. ‘Or a second one for some of the children and the nurse, so they could rotate with you. Of course, as the children got older, you’d need a schoolroom coach as well.’
‘So you wouldn’t put all the children together to give my wife and I some peace and quiet?’ He sounded as though the fantasy was cheering him up. ‘I thought you didn’t like children.’
‘I’m not over-fond of my nephews and nieces, they have been thoroughly spoiled and indulged. I wouldn’t mind mine, and I’m sure yours would be delightful.’ And ours would all have red hair and tempers to match and would be a complete handful in a coach! But such fun… This was edging into dangerous ground. ‘I think I’ll draw now. Can you pass me my things? Not the easel, I’ll just use my sketchbook.’
Theo found himself a rock to sit on and balanced his own sketchbook on his knee. God! That had been dangerous and painful and very illuminating, that flash of realisation at the top of the hill. Of course he loved Nell, his red-headed cousin who just wanted to be his friend. Why hadn’t he realised it sooner? Perhaps he had and had simply denied it to himself. She was perfect for him, in every way, but she was not in love with him, did not want to marry him.
Was it worth risking asking her? What would happen if he told her the truth, convinced her he meant it and it was nothing to do with compromising her? But she would say no, and their friendship would be spoiled and he would lose even that. He glanced across at her and found Elinor was sitting biting the end of her pencil and looking at him. She grinned, tossing back the heavy plait that hung over her shoulder.
There was no point in entertaining false hopes. If she felt anything for him, she would never have reacted so violently to the suggestion they might have to marry and she would never have discussed his love for another woman with such frankness. Nor would she be so open with him about sex—it was obvious that she had none of the self-consciousness on the subject he would have expected if her feelings for him were involved.
