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I turned away from the testament to privilege and status toward the edges of the cemetery where the plots were smaller, but no less taken care of. To the ivory angel standing guard over my mom’s grave. She was small and fairy-like beside the simple marker with her name and the dates. I brushed away the leaves and tugged out a few weeds before dropping cross-legged in front of her headstone.
“Hi, Mom.”
I didn’t even know what I really wanted to say, but it felt good to say hello. I cleared my throat. “I hope you can hear me. Even if you can’t, I’ll just pretend. I’m good at that.” I dashed away a tear I hadn’t realized was rolling down my cheek. “So, I did a thing. I swore I wouldn’t, but I did it anyway.”
“I didn’t mean to. Honestly. I look back now and wonder how I lasted as long as I did. Actually, that’s probably one more lie I’ve told myself.” I laughed before leaning forward to brush away dust on the base of her headstone. “I love him, Ma. So much that it scares the crap out of me. Like my chest feels overfull with it. And his little girl? God. She’s the sweetest thing. She’s gotten so big since you’ve seen her.”
I dashed away another tear. “I think you’d remember her. Seth used to bring her to see you, but I know the stuff they gave you had you really out of it.”
But I remembered the smiles. Whenever Laurie came over, there was always a smile on my mom’s face. Of course that little girl brought sunshine with her everywhere.
My little girl.
She was mine for all intents and purposes.
Just like Seth.
I bowed my head as the tea
rs kept flowing. They didn’t hurt though. It finally felt freeing. “I miss you so much. Sage is good to talk to for most of this mess I’m in, but I miss crawling up next to you on the couch and letting you play with my hair while you told me everything was going to work out. Because I’m so afraid it won’t. I’m not sure I could bear it if he doesn’t feel the same.”
But it really felt like an empty fear. There was so much in my head. The touches, the laughter, the little moments with Laurie.
And then me running.
Always running away when things got too big, felt like too much.
Instead of staying to see how things went, I escaped before the answers could hurt me.
I tipped my head back to the sun and the breeze lifted my hair to whip my ponytail around. I laughed and brushed back the tears. “Okay, I got it.”
If I didn’t stick around, I wouldn’t have to face reality.
The reality of asking for more. For deserving more. I brushed my hand over my middle. For hoping for more.
“I think I’m finally creating a family of my own, Mom.” I huffed out a laugh when the breeze whirled around me and leaves danced. “I know I am.” I pressed my palm to the cool marble stone. “I know you always loved him. And you probably knew I did this whole time, too.”
I sniffed as the tears dried and the sun peeked from the clouds that were ever present thanks to the lake. I spun around and leaned against my mother’s headstone and let the sun soak into my bones. It was peaceful here and that had been a rare commodity in my life lately.
When a handful of people came to pay their respects to their own families, I stood and brushed off my pants. I kissed my fingertips and touched the angel then the marker. “Keep watch over her.”
I went for the winding road this time. Then followed it down to the little picnic area to feed the bold ducks who swarmed the children. By the time I’d gotten to the little cabin I’d been hiding in, I was finally hungry.
I climbed the back steps to the kitchen and unearthed the peanut butter crackers I’d brought with me. It was the only thing that didn’t seem to annoy my touchy stomach.
Cleaning up was definitely in order. I was dusty from the trails and sweaty from the sticky humidity clinging to the air. I grabbed my bag on my way down the hall to the small room with black and white tiles. My shower was infinitely more luxurious. The apartment I shared with Sage—sort of, considering I spent most of my time with Seth or working—had two shower heads and steamed up to a life-changing level. But the ancient claw footed tub would do for today.
In fact…
I dug into one of the lower cabinets and found an old bath bomb I’d left here a few summers ago. The girls from the diner had given me a big spa kit to relax. Since I wasn’t really great at relaxing, I’d left it here when I’d done an overnight with Laurie.
The only kind of camping I’d ever do was spending a night in this cabin.
I filled the tub and dropped the purple rock into the water. It fuzzed and bubbled, releasing the sweet scent of lilacs and vanilla. I turned on my phone for music and flicked away the dozen messages that came through. I wasn’t quite ready to face all my realities just yet.
I shrugged off my clothes and stepped into the scalding water with a hiss.
Nope, it was time for some Keith Urban and a bath to clear my head of the last of the cobwebs.
