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Until she spoke again.
“But there’s something I want too. Before you say yes or no, I’d ask that you hear me out. As your friend,” she added carefully, even as everything inside her railed at the inadequate descriptor of their relationship.
“Go ahead.”
“I think maybe you should consider counseling again.” His fingers went slack in hers, though he didn’t shove her away. “I’m thinking about it too. Before yesterday it never occurred to me that I might need to talk to someone about what happened with Rob. Not even what he asked me to do, but who I became when I was with him. That wasn’t me. Somehow I lost myself, and I want to get the real me back. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”
“I told you I tried counseling before. It didn’t take.”
“You were a kid. You’re not a child anymore, and the choice isn’t being made for you now. This would be about you walking in the door of your own volition and then walking right back out if it didn’t suit.” She cupped his cheek in her hand. “It would always be your choice.”
“What if it doesn’t work?”
“What if?” she countered quietly. “All you will be out is a little time and money. And you’ll know that you need to find another option. Or another therapist.”
His lips quirked wryly. “Shit, the woman I fucked this afternoon is sending me to therapy. That’s gotta be the biggest knee in the nuts ever.”
Rather than being insulted, she chuckled. “I’m suggesting as your friend, not as the woman you fucked.” If there was a little more inflection on the last word, she couldn’t help it.
“It wasn’t just fucking.” Both his voice and his expression softened. “You know that, Kylie.”
She exhaled an uneven breath. “I do. But it’s nice to hear you say it.”
“I’ll say something else then, just so we’re all clear.”
“By all means.”
He brought her hand to his mouth and gave her fingers a quick kiss. Even in that simple gesture she could feel his nerves, and her own stomach knotted in anticipation of what he would say. “I’m in love with you,” he murmured, his gaze lasering in on hers.
All the rest of the world fell away. She couldn’t see the Jeep’s interior in her peripheral vision anymore. Couldn’t hear anything but the dull roar of her own inadequacies in her ears.
Normally she espoused women being confident and extolling their own worth, especially to men. But right now, when she was banged up from her fall and frazzled from her crazy week, she didn’t feel like a rocking chick. She wasn’t entirely sure she loved herself at the moment, so how could he love her?
He smiled faintly and shook his head. “I think you looked less sick to your stomach when you told me I needed therapy.”
Her laughter spilled out and surprised them both. She laughed harder as he edged back with more than a little trepidation. “I’m not going crazy, I swear. It just strikes me as hilarious that here we are, on the verge of breaking up when we were barely even together, and you’re telling me you love me, and I—”
“And you what?” he asked hoarsely, his focus squarely on her face.
It would be so easy to dismiss her feelings as misguided gratitude for his shelter and care the past couple of days, or to assume she’d transferred them from Rob. But there hadn’t been any feelings left for her ex to transfer, beyond the concern that came from being with a person for years. Even those emotions were still layered under a thick coating of betrayal, since her ex had proven himself to be a complete asshole.
No, what she felt for Justin had grown its roots before she’d ever even met Rob. It hadn’t been love back then. Nor had she fallen for him the moment he’d walked into her bar. The change had been insidious and as gradual as the snow that now meandered from the slate-gray sky.
First there were a few flakes. Within several minutes the night turned white.
“I…care about you too, Justin.” Her throat muscles seemed to lock in place, and she had to force the words out. “A lot.”
He clamped his arms around her and hauled her against him. The movement wedged her bruised hip against the console, and she simply didn’t care, because his mouth was on hers and everything in her world was so right that she wanted to scream her thanks to the gods.
When he pulled back, breathing hard, she fought not to cling. As much as she wished circumstances were different, she understood that their declarations—even her half-assed one—weren’t a bridge to a relationship. At least not now.
Maybe they’d find their way back to each other in time. It was the holiday season after all, and she still had hope.
Even if she didn’t have love.
Nine
New Year’s Eve
