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“We play straight through, remember?” I said after Dad waved him away. “We’re headed to California this year.”
“Sorry, I forgot,” he mumbled into his drink. “That’ll be nice.”
“Does it feel strange not having a break?” Nina asked, almost as if to make up for Dad’s blunder. But when I looked at her, she seemed genuinely interested.
I considered her question briefly, then shook my head. “For most of these guys, baseball is their life. Same for me.”
And I didn’t have much longer to make the most of it. Make the most of other things too, if only I were brave enough. But even if I admitted my feelings to Girard, what would that solve? It might give you someone to talk to about it, idiot.
“Well, I hope your dad invites me to another of your games,” she said, nudging him a little. “Work has been so busy, plus my daughter, Ava, has dance practices and soccer games, so it’s tough to get away.”
I swallowed thickly, unable to find my voice. Nina had a daughter, and no doubt Dad was involved at least somewhat in her life because he could barely look at me. Had it been like this when he’d met Mom? She had a kid too, and he fell for her pretty quickly if I remembered the story correctly. After she died, he promised to provide for me, and now, well, I just felt like leftover baggage.
I blinked away the stinging sensation behind my eyes. I needed to fucking pull it together. These were the cards I’d been dealt, and Dad had provided for my basic needs. What more could I ask for?
So why did my words taste like sawdust in my mouth?
“No worries,” I told Nina. “The distance can be a bit much, especially round-trip.”
It was two hours one way, to be exact. Who’d want to make that sort of commitment? Except, all the other players’ families showed up for them every week.
Fucking hell. I didn’t know why I cared so damned much.
“I am selling fundraiser tickets,” I said suddenly, not only to fill the silence, but also because I kept forgetting I was supposed to be helping Kellan with all that stuff. “If you feel like bowling. It helps the team pay for our trips too.”
“Yeah, sure,” Dad said, pulling out his wallet. “I’ll hand you some cash, and you decide how many and all that.”
“Okay, cool.” I knew he’d never show up, but at least it was helping the team.
Thankfully, the food came right then, and the rest of the dinner was spent talking about their jobs, her daughter, as well as my college courses and the brief internship I had last fall in the IT department of a graphic T-shirt company. I’d enjoyed it, which gave me hope I’d find something fulfilling after graduation.
By the time the check came, I was ready to bolt. Nina seemed like a nice lady, but Dad was distracted—which wasn’t all that unusual—yet for some reason, I couldn’t help wondering what this meetup was really about. I was likely reading too much into it.
“Have a good trip,” I said as we parted ways outside. I noticed my stepdad hesitating briefly, but I kept walking to my car at the other end of the lot. I wasn’t in the mood for his regrets or guilt or whatever the hell that was about.
I blew out a breath as soon as I slid behind the wheel.
Except, I didn’t want to go home. I’d feel guilty if I walked in on Hollister and his girlfriend, who didn’t get the place to themselves all that often.
Donovan was over at Kellan’s, which made me wonder what Jasmine was up to.
You around? I texted her after I started my car.
Yep, home with the boys and my girl, watching a movie. You’re more than welcome to stop by.
That familiar pang of loneliness hit me square in the chest.
Nah. Thanks, though.
Need to talk?
Maybe later. Enjoy your movie.
It wasn’t like I talked to her all that much about my stepdad. Maybe about as much as she did in regard to her mom, which amounted to little rants here and there. It was a depressing subject, so really, it was more about just…being a presence to each other if we needed it. Like around the holidays, I supposed. I’d always be grateful to her for that.
On the freeway, I considered driving straight to the bowling alley, which was a ridiculous thought. Girard would be working, and besides, what did I expect from him? A shoulder to cry on? More jerking off? Company?
Deep down, I knew that last was probably it. His company, especially after tonight.
I was very attracted to him, despite him turning me inside out sometimes, but I also just liked being around him. He made me feel…a certain calmness in the center of my stormy thoughts and emotions. Even though I fought it all the way.
