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I reach behind his neck and bring him back down to my chest. “I want to.” I wrap my legs around him, thrusting my hips upward. My hands find the bottom of his shirt and begin pushing it up. He removes it before crushing his lips back to mine. I run my hands all over his warm back, relishing how good he feels. How right this feels.
I push against his chest and sit up long enough to remove my dress. His eyes watch me, blazing with desire. I reach behind me to unclasp my bra. It falls down my arms, and Brady tosses it to the floor. His fingertips brush over each nipple, causing me to whimper. My fingers fumble with his jeans. He takes care of removing them for me as I slide my underwear down my legs. I sit back, resting on my palms as Brady starts slowly trailing his hand all over my body. He touches every part of me. I’m trembling under his skilled hands.
His lips are on mine again as he lowers me to the bed, splitting my thighs with his body. His lips leave my mouth, lightly kissing along my neck and jaw. I feel his erection at my entrance and lift my hips to signal I’m ready. He enters me slowly, groaning into my neck. He’s deep, filling me with every inch of him. It’s been so long that it takes a minute for me to catch my breath. He starts to move in that slow rhythm I love so much. As I feel him move, a wave of pure emotion crashes into me. The feelings coursing through my veins are so intense that they render me frozen. My body deflates against the mattress. My legs dangle lazily to the side of his hips. I’m suddenly displaced. I know he’s here. I can hear him and see him moving against me, but it’s like I’m trapped on the other side of a window watching it happen. I can’t experience the pleasure he’s giving me, because on my side of the glass there’s nothing but the hopeless reality that I’ve lost my child, and now that Brady has Andrew there’s a good chance I’ll lose him, too.
I love him fiercely, but I can’t let go of the nagging doubt and uncertainty that lingers between us. Every time I try to free my thoughts and surrender to him, the fear of losing him creeps back into my mind as if to keep me from my release. My fears torture me with some sick and twisted form of self-punishment. I shake my head, urgently trying to join him in his movements. My brain refuses to be vulnerable again. It won’t allow my body to respond. I just lay there limply while Brady pushes in and out of me.
I hate myself for it.
I can’t feel.
There is no buildup, no tingles, no flight to ecstasy island. My eyes burn, and I feel the tears spilling over. They fall down the side of my face and wet my hair. I clamp my mouth closed, terrified that Brady might hear my cries. Each time he rocks into me, my frustration grows until I feel I might burst with painful emotions. With every push forward from Brady, my body begs me to give in to the pleasure, but my brain isn’t allowing it. The back of my throat burns from tears and snot. I’m not even sure anymore if I’m crying because I’m sad about where things stand between us, terrified he’ll leave me, or if I’m just so blissfully happy he still loves me. Whatever the cause, my emotions have climbed a very steep cliff, and the fall might very well kill me.
I feel my legs start to shake, and I realize that even though I haven’t participated at all, my body is winning. I’m about to climax. I press my lips together, clenching my teeth as my eyes roll back in my head. Brady rocks his hips into me, hitting deep. I wail and sob as I’m sent sailing off the ledge, spiraling out of control. I come long and hard, my body shaking wildly. Brady’s still inside me, but he’s stopped moving. His horrified eyes watch
me as I fight to focus on him. I wipe my tears and suck in a breath.
“Oh, shit!” He pulls out of me and engulfs me in his arms. “Oh, Jesus, Tori. God, baby. I’m sorry.”
I sob again. I have no idea what has just happened.
He pushes damp hair from the front of my face. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”
I shake my head, wiping away more tears.
“Please say something.”
“I love you.” It’s all I can think to say. It’s all I feel. Pure, crazy, insane, love for him.
“Did I hurt you?”
I shake my head again. How can I possibly explain what happened, when I don’t understand it myself?
He smiles and kisses my lips. “I think this was too soon.”
Maybe it was. Maybe my emotions are still too raw for an act requiring unwavering trust, or perhaps it’s exactly what I needed to remember I do trust him explicitly.
“It was perfect.”
He laughs loudly. “If that was perfect, then I guess I sucked every other time.”
I can’t help but laugh, too. His teasing wipes out the tension.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” I reach up and press my finger to his lips. He kisses my fingertip and then brings my hand to his chest.
“My heart beats for you, don’t ever doubt that.” He says the words like he knows exactly where my thoughts had taken me.
I swallow hard. “I won’t.”
He cradles me to his side. His hand traces circles on the point of my shoulder. Before long, I’m fast asleep.
***
My eyes flutter open to see Brady is gone from our bed. I have a moment of panic. My brain is flooded with memories from last night. I’m fairly sure I suffered a nervous breakdown. I’m a little embarrassed to face him. Insecurity is not something I’m used to feeling when we’re intimate.
I get out of bed and open the doors leading out to the deck for a breath of morning salt air. I step out to the deck and spot Brady in the water. Andrew’s with him. So are Liv and Harrison. I wonder if they know about Andrew. Of course they do. Brady would’ve had to explain. Brady carries Andrew into the water, the waves crashing over them. Andrew’s playful giggle enters the room with the wind. It’s a sweet, adorable laugh that warms my heart. Maybe we can get through this. Andrew is a piece of Brady. I could love him as he if were my own. He can’t replace Mona. I know that, but he could be ours. I’m not sure how his mother will feel about that. I’ll have to reassure her that I’ll love her son, but will never replace her.
Brady and Andrew wave from the water. I hold my hand up, waving back with a smile. I throw on my swimsuit and cover-up to join them, but by the time I make it downstairs, they’ve come in from the water. They’re milling about on the back deck. Brady sees me through the glass and comes inside. I’m grateful. I haven’t stepped foot on that deck since I lost Mona.
