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“You can crash in the spare room.”
I slouch against the wall. Why would he offer her that just so they could share a beer?
“Come on, we’re celebrating.”
Celebrating? What are they celebrating?
I’m not going in there. I can’t face her. The stairs take an impossibly long time to climb. My body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. I’ve lost him. Without bothering to turn on the light, I plop myself down on the chair by the window.
I don’t know how much time I spend staring into the deep abyss of the Pacific Ocean. I watch the waves break against the cliffs in the distance. The sun sets in a streak of light behind the horizon. Then the numbness sets in, and I stare at nothing. The room turns to black.
I’m startled when light fills the room. I blink several times as my eyes adjust.
“Are you coming down?” I hear fear in Brady’s voice.
I twist my head to look at him. He smiles. It doesn’t affect me. I feel too much resentment. “I can’t stay here, Brady.” The words taste as sour in my mouth as lemons.
He reaches me in an instant and falls to his knees in front of me. “What a
re you saying?” His hand buries deep in his mass of brown hair while the crease in his brow digs deeper than I’ve ever seen it. “You don’t want me anymore?”
I can’t lie. “I will always want you.” I reach out to stroke his cheek.
His hand finds my wrist. He pushes it away. He’s angry.
“We rushed into this for a baby we no longer have.”
I wait for his argument, but it doesn’t come. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to Minnesota.” My voice catches. I choke back tears. “My parents bought me a ticket, and they’ll send a truck for my things in a few days.”
“No, don’t!” He’s obviously upset.
I can’t think about it. I know this is best for both of us.
“I don’t want you to go.”
“I have to.” I hate this. I hate that every time I watch him with Andrew, all I can see is what we lost. I hate that I feel like Andrew is a replacement for Mona. Most of all, I hate that I think Brady’s forgetting about our little girl.
“Don’t you fucking do this!” He reaches up and grips my arms. His eyes search mine pleadingly. “Do you hear me?” He shakes me gently.
I turn my head unable to look into his eyes.
“I know you’re hurting, and I know I’m to blame, but please don’t leave me.”
I finally cave and look at him.
“I know we’re messed up, okay? I go to bed every night with guilt and grief eating me alive. One minute you seem like you still love me, and the next you look like you’re going to tear my head off. I’m afraid to touch you because I know you’re going to reject me. That scares the shit out of me. I fucked up by shutting you out. I know that, but I didn’t know what else to do. I don’t want Andrew to feel any of the tension between us. I can’t stand the thought of fucking him up any more than he already is. I’m sorry. I’ll fix it. But please don’t go.”
As much as it breaks my heart to hear, Andrew should be his priority. He’s his son.
“Brady, I love you,” I admit. “I really do, but I need time. You have your music and Andrew. That’s where your focus should be. Mine should be on school and deciding what I want. I can’t do that here. My world has revolved around you. I have nothing else. It’s not healthy.”
“My life revolves around you, too, and I don’t give a fuck if it’s unhealthy, Sunshine.” He releases me, raking his hand through his hair once before letting out an annoyed a rush of air. I can practically hear the gears turning in his head. “I love you.”
I hear him, but I don’t believe him. If only his life did revolve around me, I wouldn’t feel so completely alone. I watch him pace in front of me. No matter how much my heart begs me to stay, the irreversible damage between us will never allow it. It isn’t because I’m not utterly in love with him still. I am. But despair is stronger than love. Loving him doesn’t change the painful reality that exists each time I look into the depths of his soft green eyes. The warmth I once felt is gone. It’s cold, dark, and lonely. I don’t see love anymore. I see pity. I see our baby dying over and over. Worse than that, I see that Brady thinks I’m responsible. I am. I lost everything that night, including myself. It’s too much. I have to go. I have to leave him in order to figure out who I am and what I want. It’s the only way to determine if our love can survive this and if we have a future together.
I stand up. He turns his head to the side. I watch his jaw work. My hand curls around his arm. I stare at the side of his head, silently begging him to look at me.
