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“I never should have let it get that far.”
I shake my head, not wanting to hear him. “It doesn’t matter.”
He continues, “She drank a lot with dinner.”
I put my hand on his chest and look right into his eyes. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“I want to explain what you did see.”
I don’t want to hear it, but I let him speak, thinking maybe he needs to say it.
“She stormed into the studio naked and climbed on top of me. I knew she was drunk. I was afraid if I lost it on her, you’d hear and walk in on us. That you’d take it wrong. Ironic, right? So I carried her to the spare room. When I tried to set her down on the bed, she pulled me down with her. She begged me to have sex. I stood up and walked out.”
“I saw it all,” I admit sadly. “Except you walking out.”
He takes my face in his hands, his eyes traveling over my features. “Tori, I would never cheat on you.”
I hear what he means to say. He can’t believe I ever thought he would cheat on me. I’m riddled with guilt. “I’m sorry. It looked like so much more. I was in such a bad place. You said I was a distraction.”
His hands leave my face. He looks shocked. “What?”
I can tell he doesn’t remember. “You had Andrew and your music. I thought I was in the way.”
“I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way. I’ll quit the band right now if you want me to.”
I snap my head to look at him. He’s serious. He’d walk away from all of it. He’d leave the band and the recording deal behind for me. “Brady, no. I would never ask you to do that.”
He holds my hands to his chest. “But you need me.”
I smile. I do need him. “Brady, I need you to be happy.”
He lets go of my hands. “It doesn’t mean anything to me if you’re unhappy.”
“I’m in a better place than I was then.” I take in a deep breath, seeking the strength I need to tell him. “I was lost. I felt hopeless. I wanted to die.” He growls in his throat when I say it. “I don’t anymore. When I first got to Minnesota, I went to the doctor. I found out I have postpartum depression. It was bad, Brady. It’s the worst kind of hopelessness. I felt worthless. I was so angry, like my soul was ice and I couldn’t get warm enough to melt it. I should have seen a doctor sooner. I would have been able to deal with everything better.” I reach up and cup his cheek. “I love you. I won’t let you give up your dream for me.”
He pulls me close, his hand massaging the back of my neck. “I’m a fucking idiot. I had no idea you were feeling so alone. You have to talk to me if you ever feel like I’m not giving you enough time. I have to know.”
I nod against his chest. “I will.”
We lie there for a long while, caressing each other’s bodies. I love him so much it hurts. I also need to tell him everything. I can’t go home with him until I do. The problem is summoning the courage. I’m terrified he’ll walk out on me and never look back. It doesn’t matter that we weren’t together. Like he said, my heart belonged to him. I still betrayed him.
I sit up in the bed. My teeth dig into my bottom lip until I think it might bleed. He sits up next me. Concern sweeps over his face. His soft gaze searches my eyes.
“I slept with someone else.” I don’t dare say it was Tug. It would kill him.
His eyes don’t leave me. He just stares at me for what starts to feel like hours. I feel sick. My eyes glance to his jaw, looking for any signs of anger. There are none. His regular breathing gives nothing away, either. Only the deepening green of his eyes alerts me that he’s even heard what I said.
I press my lips together and swallow. “Brady, please say something.”
“Why?” His voice is laced with anger.
I gaze at him sadly, not wanting to admit to him my reasons. I’ve tried hard to forget about that night. I’d been spiraling out of control for so long. That night I finally hit rock bottom. “I don’t know why.”
“Yes, you do.” He looks past me, his eyes sad and knowing. He wants to hear me say it. I can’t.
“I had too much to drink.” It’s not a complete lie. The truth is so much worse.
He turns his head back to me with an icy glare. “You didn’t answer the question.”
