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“I don’t know what to do. Andrew wants you here, but seeing you every day is killing me.”
I close all the space between us. Our chests seal together. My pulse pounds in my ears. Brady tenses but doesn’t step away. I look up at him, begging my voice not to crack, and say, “If you can look me in the eye and tell me that you want me to go, I will.” Dread fills me as I wait for his answer. I struggle for a full breath. What will I do if he tells me to go?
“But…Andrew…”
“No!” I cut him off. “This isn’t about Andrew. I’ll move to an apartment close by. I’ll watch him still. I’ll take him to school every day and do everyt
hing I’ve been doing with him. This is about us, Brady, because I have to know. Do you want to let me go?”
His faint sigh caresses my lips. The charge between us is as strong as it’s ever been. I know he feels it. I want to hug and kiss him so bad it hurts. I don’t. I stand tall and wait.
His eyes flick to the window and then back to me. “I…Tori. It’s not that simple.”
“It is…I’m not saying things will go back to how they were right away. I’m only asking whether you love me enough to try.”
He nods, his lips skimming mine. I shiver and hold my breath. I can tell he’s thinking. “I want to.” He kisses my lips swiftly before taking a step back. “I know I love you too damn much to let you go.”
Before he says another word, I reach for his hand, setting the folded piece of paper into it. I’ve been carrying it with me, waiting for the right time to share it with him. I needed to know he wanted to save our relationship before I gave it to him. Otherwise, I would always wonder if my having his child is the only reason he’s with me.
“What is it?” he asks, confusion swimming over his face.
I smile. “It’s our incentive.”
He looks nervous unfolding the letter. His eyes scan the paper before a colossal smile spreads across his face.
The paper slips from his hand and floats to the floor. His eyes are on me, but he doesn’t say anything. There’s a knock at the door, which breaks his concentration. Gabe steps through the door when Brady opens in. “Sorry, I forgot my phone.”
Gabe’s gaze travels to the coffee table. He points to his phone. “Ah, there it is.”
I notice Brady watching Gabe with a strange look on his face. The two stand facing each other. There’s tension floating back and forth between them. I can feel it. They’re sharing some awkward form of silent communication. I wonder if they’ve had a disagreement about the band. I don’t dare ask. Gabe’s eyes flick to mine, but only briefly. When Gabe crosses the room to the coffee table, Brady’s eyes follow him.
Gabe picks up his phone and slides it into his pocket. He looks at me with a small smile before turning his head to Brady. He walks toward the door and stops in front of Brady. The two exchange a bro hug. I hear Gabe whisper something in Brady’s ear, and then he’s gone.
Brady’s head is down as he walks past me. He doesn’t stop and say anything. He won’t look at me. His heavy steps disappear up the stairs. I have no idea what just happened. My eyes well up with tears. With blurry vision, I bend down and pick up the paternity results from the floor. I sit on the couch, holding the paper in my hand. He said he loved me too much to let me go, and yet he walked away without a word. My heart and my brain feel like they’re at war. My heart knows Brady still loves me and wants to be with me, but my brain is screaming that he will never be able to forgive me. After the way he left the room, I’m starting to agree with my brain. Having a baby together can’t change how betrayed he feels. He could look past some faceless guy from Minnesota, but not Tug…not his brother.
Brady
After slamming my bedroom door, I fall back on my bed. I still can’t believe the baby’s mine. I’d convinced myself the test would confirm Tug is the father. I’m happy, but I’m also angry and confused. After I read the results, I wanted to take Tori in my arms and tell her we’d be fine. I couldn’t do it. I know she thinks this is all because it was Tug. Who it was doesn’t matter. I’m not jealous. I know she loves me. It’s the effort she put into deceiving me that I can’t get past. It reminds me too much of Sheila. I was just about to tell her that I think it’s best if she moves out when Gabe had to show up.
All his words from the hospital rained down on me. I imagined what I would feel like if Tori moved out and then was gone for good. I flipped through various scenarios: car accident, cancer, and the worst one, complications during childbirth. I can still feel the doubt that snaked around my heart and squeezed hard as I stared at Gabe. Then he whispered to me on his way out, and I can’t get his words to quit ringing in my ears. “Every night when I close my eyes, she dies all over again.”
Fuck! I think back to my conversation with Nate and how he said he could never get past his own anger and resentment. My own wrongs creep into my mind. I shut Tori out until she felt she had no choice but to leave me. The grief I felt kept me from seeing she was sick with PPD. I never helped her. Hell, I didn’t even notice. When she left, I told her I’d fight for her. I didn’t. I’m equally responsible for her ending up with Tug. I should have gotten on a plane the second I received those annulment papers and demanded an explanation. We wouldn’t be in this situation if I had.
I can’t imagine my life without her it. We’ve come too far. Despite my anger, I love her more than my own life. Ours is a love that won’t be dispelled simply by ignoring it. It can’t be concealed by separation. The heart knows no distance, only misery. It will never let me forget her, and I’m a fool if I think I can.
Chapter 31
Tori
I can’t stay here. As much as it kills me, it’s time for me to accept that what Brady and I had is over. Pretending everything is going to work out will only lead to more heartache. With a heavy heart, I leave the living room to go upstairs and talk to Brady. As I turn toward the stairs, Brady’s there. He holds my gaze as he marches toward me. His face is expressionless. My heart skips a beat as I watch his green gaze close in on me.
Without a word, he scoops me up in his arms. I relax into him, resting my head on his shoulder. My fingers dive into the hair at the nape of his neck. His eyes devour me. “I’m taking you to bed, and I’m going to make love to you, and tomorrow you’re going to wake up knowing just how much you mean to me.”
***
I wake to an empty bed. Salt air blows in through the open sliding glass door. Brady must have gone for a run. I listen to the waves crashing against the rocks below. It’s a peaceful sound that matches my mood this morning. I smile, remembering Brady’s words as he carried me up the stairs last night. I know exactly how much I mean to him. I roll to my side, my eyes focusing on the tissue next to me. I pick it up and look at it.
Never look back. I love you like crazy! – xB.
