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Am I all right? I am now, but depending on how this goes I could be a real fucking mess. I decided on the way home that I can’t mislead him in any way. I can’t tell him that Peyton and I are casually dating because there’s nothing casual about our relationship. I know how I feel about her. I knew it last year and I know it now, and it isn’t fair to put her in a position where she doesn’t know she counts in my life. She waited close to a year for me. Now she has me and the only thing that can change that is if Javier isn’t able to accept it.
Maybe he shouldn’t have that much power, or fuck . . . maybe he should. I don’t know. I don’t have any fucking answers, and as I sit here staring at him like maybe something will magically come to light, he opens the door. “Is this about you and Peyton dating?”
“Uh . . . Uh . . .” I stumble all over the place as Peyton and I exchange glances. “How did you know about that?”
He looks at Peyton first and then back to me. “Drew and I heard Uncle Brady and Aunt Tori talking last night.”
“You did?” He nods, but I spot something mischievous in his grin like he and Drew were up to no good. “And how exactly did you hear this? Were you eavesdropping?”
“Not exactly.” He ducks his head, accepting he’s busted and continues. “We were kinda planning a sneak attack on them with Drew’s Nerf guns. We got pretty close too, but then when we heard what they were talking about, we went back to Drew’s room.”
I’m relieved that he had a heads-up to this conversation, and given he doesn’t appear to be upset by what he heard, it’s easier. “And what do you think about Peyton and me dating?”
“I think it’s cool. I like Peyton and Drew says if you two get married then it will be just like his mom and dad.”
In my mind I think I understand the comparison, but these are eight-year-olds so I ask anyway. “How’s that?”
“Because Tori isn’t Drew’s real mom, but when his mom left, she loved him. Now she’s his mom. If I had the chance to have a mom again, one who’s nice like Peyton, then that would be pretty awesome.”
It’s hard to put into words how I feel as my heart swells with an overwhelming sense of pride. I cough simply to avoid crying, but it doesn’t relieve the pressure behind my eyes. Peyton isn’t quite as good at checking her emotions. She continually wipes the tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Well, how about we start with dating before you marry us off?” He laughs, nodding his adorable little head. “She’s kind of in need of a place to stay for a few days and I told her she can stay with us. Is that okay?”
“Sure,” he says, turning his head to Peyton. “But you should know, my dad farts in his sleep.”
Her laughter combined with his is a sound I never want to live without. It’s the most beautiful thing I can ever remember hearing.
“All right, funny man. Go get ready for bed and then maybe we can watch a movie.”
Once he’s down the hallway, I notice all of the joy has vanished from Peyton’s expression. “What’s wrong?”
“Maybe I shouldn’t stay here.”
What in the hell happened in the last five minutes that I missed? “Why?”
“I’ve spent some time with Javier. I told you that. We bonded, but now he sees me as a woman capable of replacing his mother and that’s a big responsibility. What if this doesn’t wo
rk out? What if you screw up? What if I screw up? What if I suck at being a mom? What if I let him down?”
Here I thought all of these fears were assigned to me, but they’re typical of all people. However, if anyone is capable of this, it’s Peyton.
“You once said not to live in the ‘what ifs’ only the ‘right nows.’ So what do you say if right now, we hang out and watch a movie together?”
It’s not what he says that makes me relax and settle into his side. I’m soothed more by the effort it took him to say it. It means he’s invested in making this relationship work. Tears still form, but these are amorous tears of joy as I absorb what a revelation this is for us that he’s open to one day having Javier think of me like a mother.
I know I can’t replace Maria, not for Javier or Aidan. And I don’t want to. I will do whatever it takes to make sure Javier always remembers his mother fondly.
For the last two weeks, I’ve watched my son and a woman I know I’m in love with form a bond I never even had with my own mother. I had not considered providing Javier with a new mom. It felt wrong, as though I was somehow betraying Maria. But with the passing days, comes renewed clarity. The closer Javier and Peyton become, the more I know Maria would be happy he has Peyton in his life.
On an emotional level there are things I can’t give Javier. But Peyton can, because she’s never been broken by her mistakes. She embraced them, grew from them, and that allows her to love Javier unconditionally. Peyton makes this untraditional family work by being normal. Or at least what I perceive normal to be. A chance at a normal life is all Maria ever wanted for her son. On some level, I enjoy the thought that perhaps it was Maria who brought Peyton back into my life.
Peyton’s things arrived in town yesterday and will be delivered to her place around noon tomorrow. I didn’t complain when I called to track them and they were lost. Turned out they had been stored and missed a scan in at the facility. Something that worked out perfectly for me as it gave me extra time with her.
Neither of us has spoken about what her things arriving means. I want her to stay and I want her to go. As much as I try to keep my thoughts focused, they swirl in the never ending whirlwind in my mind. I feel the strength of my past indiscretions trying to push her away and save her from me.
It’s a daily fight to contain my prick mouth from doing something to piss her off. The doubt is a result of my incessant fear because deep down I know if it doesn’t work out, it will be like losing Maria all over again.
I turn over on my side to look at my beautiful angel, who’s given herself completely to me, and wonder how much longer I can fight doing the same. Her hair, draped across the pillow like strands of spun gold and her lips the perfect shade of pink beg me to wake her. But I choose to bathe in the peace that comes with her shallow breaths. She belongs here with me in my bed, in my loft, and in my heart.
