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“And you know it, girl.” I ask her how Pasha’s baby’
s doin. “Girl, he’s gettin’ big. And as cute as ever. He’s teethin’, which is why she’s runnin’ late. She was up all night with him.”
I shake my head. “I remember those days. Better her than me. If I had to go through that all over again, I’d blow my fuckin’ brains out.”
She laughs. “And you did it with nine, wait, ten kids.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me.”
“So, tell me. What’s been goin’ on with you? You haven’t been here in a few weeks.”
“Uh-huh. It’s been a minute. You know how it is. All these damn kids I have keep me extra busy. I had to get ’em ready for school. Then Labor Day Weekend I took their bad-asses to Disney World. And them little motherfuckas turned it out.”
“Oh, no!” she says, placin’ a hand up over her chest. I can’t stand an overdramatic ho. “What did they do?”
“Chile, the question is. What didn’t they do? The twins wanted to go to the Haunted Mansion over at Magic Kingdom, then they get up in there and start yellin’ and screamin’, scarin’ all them white folks. Then the next day they started in on Minnie Mouse at the parade . . . ”
“Girl, nooo,” she says, soundin’ amused. “What did they do to poor Minnie?”
“Baaaaby, they started talkin’ shit to Miss Minnie, callin’ her all kinda ugly, big-foot bitches.” Felecia is hysterical laughin’. “And you know I didn’t wanna have to go ghetto-momma on ’em in front of all them white folks, especially down there. But, baby . . . I had to bring it to their asses. Then Isaiah and Elijah got to fightin’ on one of the damn rides over who was goin’ to sit where. And when the ride attendant stopped the ride and told them they had to get off, they jumped on his ass.”
She’s cracking up. “Girl, I can’t.”
“And Day’Asia’s crazy-ass threw some knotty-head girl into the pool, then jumped in and fought her over some little boy they both were eyein’. Both of them—wild, hot pussy—fightin’ over some rusty-ass niggah who was gonna forget about their asses the minute he took his tail back to wherever he came from. It was a mess. I swear, I can’t take their asses no-goddamn-where without somethin’ poppin’ off.”
She’s in tears from laughin’ so hard. “Ohmygod, your kids are a mess.”
“No, they’re fuckin’ crazy; that’s what they are. I don’t know where the hell they got that shit from, but it definitely didn’t come from me. And they all have some filthy-ass mouths. It makes no damn sense. Word of advice: don’t let a niggah nut up in you unless you’ve done a thorough background check. And a full damn psychiatric assessment on just how fucked up his family is. ’Cause, baby, if I woulda knew then what I know now about some of my baby daddies, I damn sure wouldn’t have had all these damn kids. Plan A woulda been just suckin’ and swallowing and fuckin’ me in the ass. And Plan B woulda been the Morning After Pill. And I woulda been poppin’ them things like breath mints.”
She keeps laughin’, shakin’ her head. “Girl, you’re a mess. I can’t with you. Not this morning.”
“Chile, please. I have ten more years until the twins are eighteen, and I’m counting down. As soon as it hits midnight, I’m tossin’ them out. Then I’m packin’ up my shit and I’m doing a disappearin’ act on all their asses.”
“Cassandra, please. You know you’re not throwin’ your babies out.”
“Mmmph, watch me. I’ve already told ’em. ‘The minute you turn eighteen your motherfuckin’ asses are outta here.’ And I mean that shit.”
She laughs. “Girl, I’ll believe that when I see it.”
“Sweetie, well, believe it. Even a blind ho will see I ain’t playin’. Anyway, girl . . . how them three messy cousins of yours doing?”
She rests her arms up on the counter. “Who, the triplets?”
“Yes, honey, those scandalous divas.”
“Girl, from what I hear they’re doing well. Paris, the one that was pregnant, had a little boy and she’s still with the father, you know, the one Persia was fuckin’ behind her back. You remember Persia, the one who got cursed out in the bathroom?”
“Ooooh, yes. Miss Messy Bessy.”
She laughs. “Yeah, her. Anyway, so Paris is happy as ever from what I’ve heard. And Porsha is gettin’ married to this . . . whew, fine-ass chocolate drop the three of them used to fuck, girl.”
“What? Girl, shut your mouth. She’s marryin’ one of the niggahs they all used to fuck?”
She bats her lashes. “Boo, you heard what I said. All I know, it couldn’t be me. But, whatever! Different strokes for different folks. You know I ain’t one to gossip.”
I give her my “bitch, puhleeze” look, smirkin’. Of course it goes right over the gossip whore’s head. “And Persia . . . well, chile, let me tell you. She done snatched herself up some fine, young Caribbean boy-toy—whose parents own a bunch of restaurants. And from what I heard, they’ve been goin’ at it real hot and heavy. She has turned his ass out.”
“Allllllriiiiight now. You know how I feel about that young dingdong, girlfriend. There’s nothin’ like that Everready, Energizer cock to jumpstart the day and night. Mmmph.”
