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“Yes. They were.” I cut her a sidelong glance. “Sounds like you’ve figured everything out.”
She locked her gaze with mine. “I know you wouldn’t cheat.”
“I lied to you for weeks. If I can lie so easily, what makes you so sure I’m not a cheater too?”
“Because I know you.”
“If you did, you wouldn’t have even mentioned that crap. You’d know better. I would never believe that about you for a minute. And I’d take care of any bastard who dared to even say those words.” My grip intensified on the bar. “You know what else, Mia? I’m not glad Darren Fucking Winthrop is dead, because I wish I could kill him myself. I wish I could rip his limbs from his body, one by one. I’d keep punching him until nothing remained but dust. That’s who I am. A fucking bloodthirsty maniac who’d kill for you, because I can’t do anything else to take your pain away.”
The floor creaked under her footsteps. I stiffened, but her hand pressing against my back still made me bite off an oath.
“I hurt you,” she whispered.
I didn’t know if she was referring to the welts under her palm or the much bigger hurt. That fear that would never leave me now.
The one where I woke up alone, and it stuck.
“Do you know why I insisted on fighting Fox Knox?” she questioned, as if she understood that Fox Knox and Tray Knox were two different people.
Too bad I hadn’t understood that myself for so very long.
“Fox was the best. A fight with Fox would get the most attention and the most money. I’d get out of town with Carly that much faster. But the real reason was Fox represented everything I hated. He was one of them. Rich, blond, impossibly perfect. Just like Darren.”
“Goddammit, Mia—”
“Hear me out.” Her tone gentled. “But you’re not anything like Darren. Not way down deep. The trappings might be similar—the wealth and privilege, the sense of entitlement—but inside, where it matters? You couldn’t be more different. You fought to prove you were worth something, but walking away without your supposed vengeance against Costas showed your value.” She caressed my skin. Easing the soreness from the wounds. All of them. “You lied to me to protect me. To help me feel safe. Not to try to deceive. And maybe I didn’t realize that right away last night, but I know it now. I know you, Tray.”
I swallowed over the sand in my throat. “Why did you back out of the fight with him?”
“After last night, my head was too messed up. Going in that ring tonight would’ve been a suicide mission. Just like your fight.”
I didn’t argue. The truth was evident enough.
She trembled against my back. “I used to think checking out was brave. Not anymore. I don’t want to die. I want…”
Her fingers curled against my spine, her nails offering an unintentional relief from the churning in my gut. Those miniscule slices in my skin opened up the pressure valves nothing else would.
“Tell me. Say the res
t.”
“I’ve been the next best thing to dead for years. Now I want to feel again. To stop running.” She pressed her cool, velvety cheek to my shoulder. “I want to find my place. My home.” She swallowed audibly. “Maybe I already have.”
So many thoughts collided in my skull, all of them demanding to get out. But only one surfaced. “You could’ve told me you were going to talk to him.”
“I had to do it alone.”
“No, you damn well didn’t. You don’t have to do anything alone anymore.” I turned and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her both to solidify the point and to emphasize the reality of her standing in front of me. Whole. Strong. Mine.
Still mine.
“Do you have any clue what I went through, waking up without you? I thought you were gone. That you’d left me, left the city. Just packed up and taken off, like I didn’t mean a fucking thing to you. And worse, so much worse, I’d made it happen because I don’t have one goddamn iota how to do this right.”
I let her go and jammed my fists into my eyes, even the one that hurt already. The pain centered me until her tentative touch on my wrist tugged me away from the agonizing comfort.
Tipping back my head, I let the words out. Finally. I wasn’t some damn superhero. I didn’t have all the answers. Hell, I didn’t have any of them. “I don’t know how to be the man you need. No one’s ever depended on me before. I’ve lived my whole life for myself. I can’t give you anything but—”
“You.”
