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Sam carried her up the stairs and across the creaky porch with its missing floorboards, jostling her in his arms until he could get the key in the lock and the door open. She didn’t make a peep as he carted her inside his apartment and down the hall, just held on with a grip that spoke more of fear than arousal.
He got that. Because he was fucking scared out of his mind.
What if he couldn’t do this? Sure, he had a huge hard-on, but when it came down to brass tacks, when the ass met the mattress and she looked up at him with her heart in her eyes like she’d done outside, what if he choked? He hadn’t been with anyone but Dani since he was twenty. Nine long years. He didn’t know how to fuck anymore. Making love seemed even more beyond his scope.
It would come back to him. He knew the moves and he definitely had the desire. But this woman wasn’t a stranger. Far from it. As much as he’d been unable to consider just doing a random hook-up with someone, the pressure had gone up a thousand degrees because she wasn’t.
She knew. Even without knowing all the particulars, Rory had seen some of the deepest parts of him. Parts he hadn’t meant to share with anyone but Dani, though he’d known anyone could drive by and read his words. He’d had no choice. Dani hadn’t been willing to hear him anymore so he’d gone with his only option.
Shouting into the wind.
“Sam?”
He closed his eyes. Dammit, he would not screw this up. He hadn’t been able to make things right with Dani no matter how hard he’d tried. He’d begged, pleaded, even left her alone when she asked. Nothing had worked. Was it so wrong that he wanted to feel alive for a while? Did he have to feel guilty for that too along with everything else?
Rory pushed against his shoulder and he let her slide to the floor. Just one more minute and he could do this. Mind over matter, need over fear—
“Sam.” She trailed her fingers over his jaw and he made himself look at her, standing next to the mattress on his bedroom floor. Holy fuck, he’d forgotten what this place was like. Hardly any furniture and what there was looked like crap. No curtains on the windows. Not even a frigging bedframe for his extra-long full mattress. This had been a holding space, just a temporary living arrangement. He hadn’t expected to stay here this long. Had refused to believe he would never return to the house that held his name on the deed.
It was for sale now, and he still hadn’t been back. He’d hired people to clean it out and stick everything in storage. This was his home now, as pathetic as that was.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” The concern in her question almost broke him, almost unraveled his tenuous control.
He cast a hand around him, at a loss for words. The place was a dump. She was a beautiful woman, and the room looked even worse in contrast. How could he have brought her here? They would’ve been better off at a hotel. Even a motel. The only thing his apartment had going for it was that he cleaned a lot. What else did he have to do?
It wasn’t like he had many belongings either. A couple chairs and tables, the requisite nightstand and dresser. The small room off the hallway had probably once been an office but now it held his weight bench and punching bag.
At least the kitchen had all the standard issue stuff. The windows even had pretty gingham curtains his mom had made for him. She’d insisted his home needed to be brightened up. Hard to argue with that assessment.
“I like it. The place is cozy.” She glanced over her shoulder at the nightstand, letting out a half laugh. “Though the Bible kind of freaks me out. Not because I’m against religion, but it might be strange to look over and see it right now. If you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I hear you.” He picked it up and tucked it in the drawer. “Better?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“Maybe I should change the sheets.” He glanced at the bed. “They’re fresh though, just put them on yesterday. But I’m not sure—”
“They’re fine. Don’t worry.”
He swallowed hard at her understanding smile. “I guess you can tell I don’t usually do this.”
“I can’t say the same. So if you want, I can take the lead.” She sighed and shook her head. “Let me rephrase that. I enjoy the occasional meaningless hook-up but I don’t make a weekly practice of it. There. Does that sound a little less icky?”
He laughed, shocking the hell out of himself. “Hey, nothing wrong with hooking up. I used to back in college.”
Which was how he’d met Dani. What he’d thought would be a one-night stand had ended up in marriage.
“I don’t do it that much but now and then, I like having a good time.” She stepped forward and placed her hand on his forearm as she lifted her gaze to his. “We’ll have a good time together, Sam. I promise.”
There it was, permission for him to let go. To stop worrying so much and just take things as they came.
Nodding, he cupped her shoulders in his hands. “Uh, you wouldn’t happen to have protection, would you?”
Rory waved her purse. “Never leave home without it.”
“So I guess we’re all set then. No reason not to…proceed.”
