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She balled up her divorce papers, breathing so hard her chest and back ached. Her mother was wrong. She didn’t want just to get by while telling herself it could always be worse. Being happy mattered. And she needed to grab her happiness with both hands and hold on no matter who tried to rip it away.
For once, she needed to fight.
“Karyn?” Lon touched her shoulder. “Are you all right?”
“So take him for all he’s got. Any judge would side with you.”
But did she want this house? She loved her studio, yes, but she’d lived here with Lon. It had been the cracked shell around their broken marriage for so long. Could she truly move on while she was stuck in the same old muck?
Would she even know until she tried?
She’d made mistakes too. Funny how one night with Jeff had shown her more than months of recriminations. But then, if she were honest, last night was the first time she’d shined a hard light on her life. A fucking shame it had taken having a stranger at her side to make her acknowledge the truth.
Except Jeff wasn’t a stranger. If she just counted the hours they’d known each other, fine. But in all the most vital ways, he already knew her. He got the parts of her she liked best. He got her.
“Karyn?”
She turned her head to look at Lon, unsurprised to see he’d yet to lower his sunglasses. But she didn’t look away. Instead she stared into the flat soulless mirrors over his eyes. “Why wouldn’t you come to Christmas dinners at my parents’ house?”
She expected surprise at the question, but she didn’t get it. He slipped his hands in the pockets of his baggy trousers and swallowed hard enough to make his Adam’s apple bob. “It always felt too tense there. Even though we had our issues, we weren’t at each other’s throats. But sometimes that place seemed…contaminating. Like they’d infect us too.”
The divorce papers in her hand shook. How much else hadn’t she faced? It had been so easy to blame Lon. He was evil incarnate, for no reason except to make her life miserable. She’d been above reproach.
Except she wasn’t. Apathy and denial were no less toxic than outright violence. Maybe they didn’t harm as quickly but they harmed just the same.
Lon might’ve closed down on her, but she honestly didn’t remember when she’d been anything but closed off herself. Except last night. Why she’d found a way to open up to Jeff, she had no clue.
All she knew was that she intended to fight like hell not to go back to where she’d been before. No matter what.
“You never told me,” she said, not looking at him.
“You never listened when I tried.” He cupped her shoulder, his fingers exerting gentle pressure. “I loved you once.”
I loved me once too.
A knot formed in her throat. She tried to speak, found she couldn’t. She shut her eyes and let the grief pour through her. The last thing she’d do was fend off these emotions when they were finally struggling to break through the surface.
For years her ability to rise above her surroundings had kept her whole. Now those same feelings she’d repressed would help her find her way back to who she would be.
Karyn wet her lips and lifted her head to meet Lon’s gaze. He’d taken off his sunglasses and what she saw in his eyes wasn’t boredom. Maybe, just maybe, part of him still cared about her.
Time to find out.
“Lon.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “I want the house.”
Chapter Six
Jeff didn’t avail himself of her shower before he finished getting dressed. No need. He had hot water at home. Better yet, his apartment didn’t hold any ghosts of lovers past—his own or someone else’s. Or worse, current ghosts that were now downstairs probably exuding their slimy ether all over the woman he’d spent the night with.
He glanced at the messy bed and rubbed the heel of his hand against his shoulder, trying to dispel the urge to stay. To talk to her once more.
Walk away.
It was, after all, something he had a lot of practice at. He’d done it twice before, and those women had shared his last name. This wasn’t nearly as traumatizing. One night didn’t mean—
Bullshit. All bullshit. If he waded any deeper he’d be in up to his elbows. One night meant a lot. Especially since he’d come into this with no expectations, only a desire to protect his sister, and he’d happened upon someone so vital he couldn’t imagine not seeing her face or hearing her laughter again.
It had been the longest, most important one night of his life.
