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Looking at the swirling, greedy sea, she knew that she was facing the most difficult decision of her life. She thought back to the moment when Ryan had been forced to choose between holding her and holding her daughter and the injured boy. That was life, wasn’t it? It was full of tough decisions. Things were rarely straightforward and every decision had a price.
If she told Lexi about her relationship with Ryan, she’d threaten her daughter’s security and happiness. And what could she offer Ryan? He wanted a family. Babies. Even if she was able to have more children, how could she do that to Lexi?
There was no choice to make because it had already been made for her.
Clinging to the rock, Jenna watched Lexi pulled to safety inside the helicopter, the seawater mingling with her tears.
CHAPTER NINE
OVERNIGHT, Lexi became a heroine.
As word spread of her daring climb down the cliffs to save Matt, Jenna couldn’t walk two steps along the bustling quay without being stopped and told how proud she must be feeling. Every time she opened her front door there was another gift lying there waiting for them. Fresh fruit. Cake. Chocolate. Hand-knitted socks for Lexi—
‘What am I expected to do with these? They’re basically disgusting!’ Back to her insouciant teenage self, Lexi looked at them in abject horror. ‘I wouldn’t be seen dead in them. Who on earth thinks I’ll look good in purple and green? Just shoot me now.’
‘You’ll wear them,’ Jenna said calmly, and Lexi shuddered.
‘How to kill off your love-life. If I’d known there was going to be this much fuss I would have let Matt drown.’ She grabbed a baseball cap and pulled it onto her head, tipping the brim down. ‘If this is how it feels to be a celebrity, I don’t want any of it. Two people took photos of me yesterday, and I’ve got a spot on my chin!’
Jenna smiled at the normality of it. It helped. There was an ache and an emptiness inside her, far greater than she’d felt after Clive had left. One pain had been replaced by another. ‘Ryan rang.’ She kept her voice casual. ‘He thought you’d want to know that Matt’s surgery went well and he’s definitely not in any danger. The surgeons said that if he’d lost any more blood he might have died, so you really are the hero of the hour.’
‘It wasn’t me, it was Ryan.’ Obviously deciding that being a heroine had its drawbacks, Lexi stuffed her iPod into her pocket and strolled towards the door. ‘I’m meeting Fraser on the beach. At least that way I might be able to walk five centimetres. And, no, I’m not wearing those socks.’
‘You can wear them in the winter.’
‘Any chance of us moving back to London before the weather is cold enough for socks?’ But, despite the sarcasm, there was humour in her eyes and Lexi gave Jenna a swift hug and a kiss. ‘What are you doing today?’
‘Nothing much. Just pottering. I might go for a walk.’ To the lighthouse, to tell Ryan that their relationship had to end.
Jenna watched as Lexi picked up her phone and strolled out of the house, hips swaying to the music which was so loud that Jenna could hear it even without the benefit of the earphones.
Her daughter was safe, she thought. That was all that mattered. Safe and settled. And as for the rest—well, she’d cope with it.
* * *
Ryan was standing on the cliffs, staring out over the sea, when he heard the light crunch of footsteps on the path. Even without turning he knew it was her. And he knew what she’d come to say.
Bracing himself, he turned. ‘I didn’t think you’d be coming over today. I assumed you’d be resting—that’s why I rang instead of coming round.’
‘We appreciated the call. We’ve both been thinking about Matt all night.’ She was wearing jeans and her hair blew in the wind. She looked like a girl, not a mother. ‘Lexi has gone for a walk and I wanted to talk to you.’
He wanted to stop her, as if not giving her the chance to say the words might change things. But what was the point of that? Where had denial ever got him? ‘Are you all right after yesterday? No ill effects?’
‘No. We were just cold. Nothing that a hot bath didn’t cure. Ryan—’
‘I know what you’re going to say, Jenna.’
‘You do?’
‘Of course. You want to end it.’
She took so long to answer that he wondered if he’d got it wrong, and then she made a sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a sob. ‘I have to. This just isn’t a good time for me to have a new relationship. I have to think of Lexi. She’s found out just how selfish her dad has been—she feels rejected and unimportant—if I put my happiness before hers, I’ll be making her feel as though she matters to no one. I can’t do that. She says she likes the fact that it’s just the two of us. Our relationship is her anchor. It’s the one thing that hasn’t changed. I don’t want to threaten that.’
‘Of course you don’t.’ Ryan felt numb and strangely detached. ‘I love you—you know that, don’t you?’
‘Yes.’ Her feet made no sound in the soft grass as she walked towards him. ‘And I love you. And that’s the other reason I can’t do this. You want children. You deserve children, Ryan. I’m thirty-three. I have no idea whether I can even have another child. And even if I could—and even if Lexi accepted our relationship in time—I couldn’t do that to her. She’d feel really pushed out.’ The hand she placed on his arm shook. ‘What am I saying? I’m talking about children and a future and you haven’t even said what you want—’
‘I want you.’ It was the one question he had no problem answering. In a mind clouded with thoughts and
