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His expression was grim. ‘This isn’t about me.’
‘No, of course it isn’t.’ Ally used sarcasm to hide her pain. ‘It’s never about you, is it, Sean? You don’t talk about your past, you don’t open up to anyone, you don’t trust anyone, you don’t expose your feelings to anyone—’
His hands were clenched by his sides. ‘Have you finished?’
‘Actually, no.’ She stared at him calmly. In a minute she was going to burst into tears and make a total fool of herself, but first there were things she needed to get off her chest. ‘You accused me of being afraid to take a risk, but what about you, Sean? Do you take risks? Do you allow yourself to get close to anyone, to develop a relationship? No, you don’t. Because you just might fall in love and that would cause all sorts of complications, wouldn’t it? And God forbid that you should ever have children because you’re afraid that loving them will make you vulnerable, too—’
His eyes were full of pain. ‘Dammit, Ally—’
‘Well, let me tell you one more thing, Sean Nicholson.’ Her voice cracked slightly and she took a deep breath. ‘As you once pointed out to me, there are no guarantees in life. The best you can do is to have hope and trust people. And you know what? Being a parent does make you vulnerable, because suddenly there’s someone in your life that matters more than yourself. Parenthood is all about exposing yourself to hurt, and it’s tough. Really tough. But that doesn’t mean people give up on it. Very few people are like your mother, Sean.’
His face was white. ‘You don’t understand.’
Ally stared at him sadly, all her anger suddenly gone. ‘No, I suppose I don’t, really, because you’ve never trusted me enough to explain. And that’s why this relationship is never going anywhere. I thought I could take whatever you were prepared to give, but it isn’t enough.’
He stared at her for a long moment, a muscle working in his cheek. ‘You’re saying you want me to marry you?’
‘Because you’re the first man I’ve ever been to bed with?’ She gave a short laugh. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Sean. I don’t care about marriage—but I do care about commitment. I can’t have a relationship with a man who bails out before he gets emotionally involved. I thought I could, but I can’t.’
His whole body was rigid with tension. ‘So that’s that, then?’
‘It would seem so.’
Why didn’t he argue with her, dammit? Tell her he loved her madly. Tell her everything he was thinking and feeling? But he didn’t.
The tears were going to come at any moment. If he didn’t leave soon she’d make an utter fool of herself.
He stood for a long moment just staring at her, his eyes tormented, and for a wild moment she thought he was going to kiss her. But then his hands clenched into fists and he walked away from her, wrenching open the front door and slamming it behind him.
CHAPTER NINE
THE next week was a nightmare.
Every time Ally turned round she seemed to fall over Sean, her only consolation being that he seemed to look as drawn and strained as she felt. She couldn’t sleep, she didn’t eat and then, to cap it all, she went down with a stomach bug that seemed to be affecting most of Cumbria.
On the third day she felt slightly better and dragged herself into work, ignoring the feeling of nausea that gnawed away in her stomach. She hadn’t actually vomited for two days so she should be fine to work. Anyway, one of the other partners was off with the same thing so she really needed to be there, helping.
Will didn’t think so. ‘It’s hardly a good advertisement for the practice if the doctors look as though they’re at death’s door. Go back to bed.’
Ally shook her head. ‘I’m fine now. I just feel a bit feeble.’ And exhausted. Totally drained. Like a puppet with its strings cut. But if she sat down she’d be OK.
Will was watching her closely. ‘This is more than a stomach bug.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Ally avoided his searching gaze and sorted out her desk. ‘Everyone’s got it.’
‘Agreed—but it lasts twenty-four hours and then they’re as right as rain.’
Ally rummaged in her drawer. ‘I’m as right as rain.’
‘It’s Sean, isn’t it?’
Her hand stilled and she gritted her teeth. She wasn’t going to break down. Not here, with a surgery to run.
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‘I’m fine, Will.’
There was a moment’s silence. ‘Well, I’m really sorry, and if there’s anything I can do just ask.’
