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“What are the sleeping arrangements? Have you even had sex yet?”
Mortified, Flora glanced across the store. “Could you keep your voice down? I don’t think they heard you in Florida.”
“You haven’t answered my question.”
“Not actual sex, although we have had some very erotic moments.”
“Where?”
Flora wished her friend wasn’t quite so insistent on details. “Everywhere. I think about sex a lot when I’m with him. He’s very—”
“Yes, I noticed—” Julia waggled her eyebrows “—but, Flora, at some point you have to do more than think about sex.”
“We’ve done more than think. We’ve kissed.”
“You kissed.” Julia stared at her. “And?”
“There is no ‘and.’ We’ve kissed. And it is always amazing, and stop looking at me like that because frankly kissing him was better than any sex I ever had.”
“You must have had terrible sex.”
“I wouldn’t say I’ve been particularly lucky in my past relationships, but that’s mostly my fault. I’m usually so intent on pleasing other people, I find it hard to please myself. But that’s ending. I’m working on it.”
“Well you need to work on it faster. Call this an intervention if you like. Right now you’re in a celibate relationship where your main focus seems to be quietly filling the gap left by his late wife. And for this you don’t even get great sex?”
“If the photos are to be believed, I’m significantly heavier than she was so I’d probably get stuck in the gap.” Her attempt at a joke didn’t even raise a smile. “This vacation is me pleasing myself. I want to spend time with them.”
“Has he said he loves you?”
“No, and that’s fine. I’m not sure I’m ready to hear those words.” She gave a grunt of pain as she bent to cut some string. “I haven’t said them, either.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“Don’t know. Trying not to think about it.”
“You don’t want to be in love?”
“Not if he isn’t going to love me back. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is the ultimate confidence crusher.” She thought of her aunt. “It’s also exhausting and bad for the soul, because you keep thinking ‘maybe if I do this or that, they’ll love me,’ so you keep trying but it doesn’t make any difference and it’s pretty hard not to take that personally. Before long you’ve twisted yourself into so many knots you don’t even know how to get back to the person you were.”
Julia stared at her. “How about just being yourself?”
“That never works for me. Or it never has in the past.” She tied the bouquet, thinking about all the things she’d told Jack that she’d
never told anyone else. Not even Julia. “With Jack, I am mostly myself. That’s what makes it scarier. If he rejects me, he’s rejecting the real me, not a manufactured version of me. Does that make sense?”
“Not really. When I met Geoff I loved him, he loved me. The real me. End of. It’s pretty simple really.”
“There is nothing simple about relationships. You two are lucky, that’s all.”
“Well, you obviously have strong feelings for Jack. And you love Molly, so Izzy is the only real obstacle. Do you even see how insane this is? If Izzy only likes you because you go running with her, then you’ll have to run every day forever and that is going to kill you. Are you planning on being a fake person for the rest of your life?”
“Maybe I’ll be a fitter person. I certainly ache more.” She rubbed her spine and tried to ignore the pain in her legs.
“Have you tried stretching?”
“No. I can’t move, let alone stretch. My objective is survival. I haven’t had a heart attack yet, so that’s got to be good, right? And if I’m spending the vacation with Jack, I need to look decent in a pair of shorts.”
Julia gave her a dark look. “I think how your legs look in shorts is the least of your worries right now.”
