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And now Luca was home.
And ready to talk, no doubt.
Hearing his footsteps on the stairs she kept her eyes closed and tried to breathe steadily, knowing instinctively that he would come into her room.
The door opened and there was a long pause. Then she heard him walk across the room and the bed dipped a
s he sat down.
‘Your parents may have been actors, cara mia, but they didn’t pass on their talents to you,’ he drawled softly, stretching out a hand and flicking on her bedside lamp. ‘Has anyone ever told you that you are the master of avoidance?’
Tia burrowed deeper under the covers. ‘I’m not avoiding anything,’ she mumbled. ‘I’m just trying to sleep.’
‘Don’t lie to me, Tia. You have been wide awake all evening, worrying about this conversation,’ Luca said, his voice low and rough. ‘I saw the expression on your face at dinner. You were horrified that I’d guessed how you felt. Horrified that I have managed to uncover a little part of what you are feeling. You are constantly hiding from me, Tia. Especially about this pregnancy. I need you to be honest with me.’
But was he being honest with her?
She lay still for a minute, feeling a lump building in her throat. ‘All right.’ She sat up suddenly, her fingers clutching the duvet tightly against her as if she was using it as a barrier between her and him. ‘You want to know what I think of this pregnancy? Well, you’re right. I am frightened. Actually, I’m terrified. I swore I would never get married and have children and suddenly—’ She broke off, her breathing rapid, and wrapped her arms around her knees in a gesture of self-protection. ‘I don’t expect you to understand. I know that I’m nothing like any woman you’ve ever met before.’
‘Well, that’s certainly true.’ He stroked her face with a gentle hand. ‘But it’s not true to say that I don’t understand. I want to know exactly how you feel, Tia, and this time I don’t want you to hold anything back. You say that you never wanted to get married and have children. Presumably because of your own childhood, no?’
Tia stared at him with dull eyes. She might as well tell him at least part of the story.
‘As I told you the other night, my parents’ marriage was a disaster,’ she said flatly. ‘My father had one affair after another—he seemed unable to commit to one woman. And then when Mum died I was passed around a string of foster-homes.’
Luca stroked a hand down her cheek. ‘Did anyone try and arrange for you to be adopted?’
Tia gave a sad smile. ‘Gawky, eight-year-old bereaved girls aren’t that appealing. Everyone wants cute babies. And on top of that I had severe asthma as a child—no one wanted a child with an illness.’
He grimaced. ‘So you ended up in a children’s home.’
She nodded slowly. ‘In the course of my childhood I met children who were the products of bad relationships, children who’d been abused and abandoned. Children who had no one to love them. It seemed to me that being a parent was an enormous responsibility. Probably the biggest responsibility that there is. I swore that I’d never do it.’
But she had. She was pregnant. Panic flooded her veins and her eyes flew to his.
Luca slipped his long fingers through hers and tightened his grip. ‘It is true that being a parent is an enormous responsibility,’ he said calmly, ‘but most families manage to do an excellent job. Your past has given you a distorted view of the truth. Very few children end up in the position that you were in.’
‘But for the ones who do…’ Tia shook her head and her eyes filled. ‘Do you have any idea what it’s like? Knowing that no one wants you? It’s the loneliest feeling in the world.’
Her voice was little more than a whisper and Luca muttered something under his breath and let go of her hand.
‘You are not your parents, Tia.’ His voice was gentle as he scooped her up and lifted her onto his lap. ‘You are nothing like your parents. You will be a wonderful mother.’
‘But what if I’m not?’ She stared at him with wide, frightened eyes. ‘What if the baby is born and I don’t love it?’
Having voiced her biggest fear, she closed her eyes and held her breath, waiting for his horrified reaction.
Instead, she felt his arms tighten around her. ‘Is that what is worrying you? That you won’t love it? That is a very common fear, you know that.’ His voice was deep and very male as he soothed her. ‘And some women don’t love their babies immediately. I have known plenty of mothers say that they didn’t instantly love their babies. For some people it is there straight away, but for others…’ He gave a shrug. ‘For others love must grow.’
Tia stared at him. ‘Do you believe that?’
He nodded slowly. ‘I know that you will love our baby.’
She swallowed. ‘And what if I don’t?’
Would he reject her?
He gave a half-smile. ‘You will probably thump me for saying this, but you are very hormonal, cara mia, and you are expressing fears that most pregnant women feel at some time.’
