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Hannah sat very still. “The truth is that I find it hard being with the kids because Ruby reminds me of Posy.”
Posy stared at her. “This is my fault?”
“It takes me right back to the night they were killed. When they died, you were devastated. You kept saying Mommy, want Mommy, where’s Mommy? and I didn’t know how to comfort you.” There was a sheen in Hannah’s eyes and Posy could actually feel her distress.
It was uncomfortable to witness.
She shifted in her seat.
The surrounding pub noise faded to an indistinct blur. “I don’t remember it.”
“But I do remember it, and it was awful. I felt inadequate and hopeless. Your pain was so huge it swallowed me up. Watching you howling for our parents, and knowing I could do nothing to ease your pain was like having my insides removed with a blunt object. From that night onward, every night you cried, I almost had an anxiety attack.” Hannah drew in a steadying breath, as if reminding herself it was in the past. “Then somehow it became any child crying. I saw a therapist a couple of times, but that didn’t work for me. So instead I avoided children.”
“Including Ruby.” Beth spoke quietly, all traces of defensiveness gone.
Hannah rubbed her fingers across her forehead. “Yes. Anyway, you asked the question and I answered.”
Posy swallowed. “You’re saying I put you off love?” She felt responsible, even though she knew it was ridiculous to feel that way.
“I don’t know. I’m not a psychiatrist.”
“What about me?” Beth leaned forward. “Where was I in all this?”
“You clung to Stewart. You were always a daddy’s girl.”
“I clung to Suzanne,” Posy said. “That’s my earliest memory. I was in bed all warm and safe and being cuddled. She was amazing.”
“That wasn’t Suzanne.” Hannah fiddled with her glass. “That was me.”
“No, it was Suzanne. I remember her reading to me in bed. That’s my earliest memory.”
“I was the one who read to you in bed. You slept with me every night after they died. You and your rabbit, whose name I have forgotten but whose lumpy form has stayed with me.”
Posy was stunned. She felt as if she’d been blown over by a strong wind.
The warmth, the security, the kindness, the cuddles—
“It was you?”
“Yes. Thanks for remembering by the way. Makes all the trauma worth it.” On the surface, Hannah seemed to be back in control again. Posy might even have thought she’d imagined the stress if it hadn’t been for the rhythmic tapping of her sister’s foot under the table.
She was still struggling to get her head around this new information. “But—”
“You clung to me for six months. Until we moved here, in fact. Then you seemed to settle down and just get on with your new life. It was as if your old life had never existed.”
“If we used to be so close, what happened?”
“I guess I pulled away,” Hannah said. “It seemed an easier, less painful way to live.”
There was a silence. It was Beth who broke it. “I didn’t know. It didn’t occur to me that was your reason for staying away from the girls. I...I’m sorry I said those things.”
“Don’t be. I’m glad we cleared it up.” Hannah gave a wan smile. “I have some issues. I’m the first to admit it. You do, too.”
Beth looked puzzled. “I don’t have issues.”
Posy took another big swallow of her drink. “You have issues.”
“Is this a conspiracy?”
