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“It’s complicated. I’ve been seeing him and—well, I’m pregnant.” She had no idea what possessed her to blurt it out like that, but if Stewart was surprised by that revelation, it didn’t show.
“How do you feel about that?”
She rubbed her arms, trying to warm herself. “Adam is the father, but I haven’t told him.”
“Is that why you came home early?”
“Yes. I guess you could say I panicked. I always have a plan, as you know, and this wasn’t part of my plan.” She leaned against the window, wishing she was braver. She should tell Adam straight out and ask him what he wanted to do, but their relationship was a new and fragile thing and she didn’t fully understand it. He said he loved her, but love, as she well knew, was unreliable. Like Christmas, it came with expectations. What if she couldn’t be what he wanted her to be? She liked things to be logical, and there was nothing logical about love.
“Do you love him, sweetheart?” The kindness in Stewart’s voice was a balm to her raw, exposed feelings.
“I don’t know. I think so, but I always thought it would be a happy feeling and in fact it’s just scary. I’m sure that sounds crazy to you.”
“Doesn’t sound crazy. Feelings are scary things.”
Hannah managed a smile. “You don’t find anything scary.”
“I find plenty of things scary.”
She turned her head. “You climb vertical rock faces for a living.”
“Rocks you can see and touch and learn about. They’re tangible things, but feelings—” he shook his head “—they’re like the weather. They’re the part you can’t control. If you don’t care about anything, then you’re invulnerable, but once you care—well, you can be hurt. And people can disappoint and let you down.”
“I know. I’ve disappointed more people than I can count.” And she’d damaged her relationship with Posy again, just when it had felt they’d reached a new understanding. The thought depressed her more than she would have imagined possible. She’d actually enjoyed their brief moment of companionship. For a moment she’d seen a future where she and her sisters were closer. She’d started to think maybe she could handle it.
Stewart stood up and walked across to her. “You’ve never disappointed anyone, Hannah.”
She knew that wasn’t true.
“I’m never quite what people want me to be.” And she knew that most people didn’t see what lay beneath the surface. Except for Adam. Dancing pizza girl. “I like things I can be sure of. Numbers, facts, company growth—those are all things that seem logical to me. Those are things that behave in a way I can predict. Love, I don’t understand. It seems so random. You can’t measure it, and you can’t control it. You can love someone with all your heart, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to love you back. And that isn’t something you can work on, or try harder at—I know because I tried.” She felt Stewart’s hand on her shoulder, warm and comforting.
“I’m guessing it’s not Adam you’re talking about here, but your father.”
It didn’t surprise her that he understood. She knew there hadn’t been much love between Stewart and her biological dad. “I don’t think about it much. I don’t want you to think that. It’s just—”
“This time of year.” He rubbed her shoulder gently. “I know. It hits us all in one way or another. Wounds heal, but they still leave scars. And that conversation with Luke stirred it all up again.”
“I always regret that they died without giving me a chance to make them proud. Dad wanted me to be a certain way, and I wasn’t.”
“That’s not true. Your dad was proud of you, but he was a complicated character.” Stewart let his hand drop. “I’m no psychologist, but I suspect it was more that he didn’t know how to relate to you. All Rob knew was climbing. I doubt he ever read a book in his life. And you were so smart. Scarily smart. I remember Suzanne used to come home after she’d babysat you and she’d be full of stories of what you’d done. Hannah said this, Hannah is reading this.”
“I tried so hard to make him love me.”
“You wanted his love and approval. That’s a natural thing. This probably doesn’t help, but I’m sure he did love you even though he didn’t do a good job of showing it.” Stewart put his arm round her shoulders. “When you came to us, you were so wary. You never really let us get close.”
“I didn’t know how to behave. I didn’t know what to do. If my own parents didn’t love me, why would anyone else? Why would you? What was I to you but a burden?” She brushed the tears away from her cheeks with the palm of her hand and the next moment she was being folded against Stewart’s chest. She felt the softness of his sweater against her cheek and the security of his arms.
“You were never a burden. You were the best thing that happened to us.”
“How can you say that?” Her voice was muffled against his shoulder. “You and Suzanne never even got to have kids of your own because of us.”
“We had three beautiful girls.” He eased her away from him so that he could look at her. “You are my daughter. You’ve been my daughter from that first day Suzanne brought you to our apartment with your suitcase of books and a terrified look on your face.”
“This is embarrassing.” Hannah sniffed. “I’m too old to be crying on your shoulder.”
“You’re never too old to cry on your dad’s shoulder, although I have to admit I hate to see you cry.” He wiped her cheek with his thumb. “We probably should have had this conversation twenty years ago, but I think we’ve both spent enough time thinking about the past, so let’s just make sure we get it right from here. I’ve never had to beat up one of your boyfriends before. Not sure I know how, but I’m willing to give it a go if you’d like me to.”
