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“The ten minutes when they were on the phone with you was the only time I could get things done. Also, you made it clear you wanted time to yourself and I didn’t want to disturb you.” He eyed her. “And there may have been pride involved. I didn’t want you to know I was incompetent.”
She couldn’t believe he’d handled it himself. “I expected you to call your mother the moment I walked out.”
“I almost did. I even picked up the phone. Then I realized that calling my mother was tantamount to admitting I couldn’t handle it. You told me I didn’t have a clue what your life was like, and that I didn’t spend any real time with my own daughters. That hurt. I wanted to prove that you were wrong, and that I could cope. Sure, I do Sunday mornings in the park, but I knew I could handle the other parts, too. I knew I wasn’t as bad a father as you seemed to think and I was ready to produce the evidence.”
Tension spread down her spine. “Jason—”
“Except that it turned out you were right.”
“I wasn’t right. You’re a wonderful father.”
“Because you make it easy for me to come in and experience the good parts. By the time I get home, you’ve fed and bathed the kids, and they’re in bed with their books and the apartment is tidy. How the hell do you do that by the way? It was a challenge to feed them three times a day, and two nights we gave up on baths. And the apartment looks like we’ve been robbed. I have never felt so inferior in my life.” He reached for her hand. “Which is my way of saying that the evidence proved you right and me wrong. What you do is not easy. I officially admit that it was an incredibly tactless and misinformed statement and I hope you’ll forgive me.”
“As a matter of interest, what was the hardest part?”
“Being without you. Not because you turn our rampaging kids and our chaotic apartment into a family and a home, but because I missed having you to laugh with and talk to.” He tightened his grip. “You’re my best friend, Beth. I’m sorry for the things I said that night. I’m not surprised you walked out.”
“I’m sorry for the things I said, too.” She felt so relieved she wanted to cry. She still didn’t know what the solution to their problem was, but she felt more confident that they’d find one. They had to. “I’m sorry I walked out like that.”
“I’m not.” He rolled onto his side and tugged her down beside him. “It was what I needed. And the truth is I loved being with the girls. It was exhausting and terrifying, but I got to know things about them that I never knew before. How about you?” He stroked her hair away from her face. “Have you been having fun being creative again?”
“Yes.” She wasn’t ready to admit that she was finding Corinna exhausting with her endless demands and emotional blackmail. “It’s good to be using my brain again. Are you going to shower and change?”
“Yes, but for five minutes let me savor being able to spread out on the bed without Ruby poking me in the eye. That girl thinks she’s a starfish. I used to think our bed was satisfyingly large, but not anymore.”
Beth reared back. “Wait—you let Ruby sleep in the bed?”
“Not to begin with. To begin with, I got up every time she called for me, the way you do, but it turns out I’m not made of the same quality material as you, because I was worn down pretty quickly. When I was too tired to get up, she had to come to me, and I didn’t have the energy to dislodge her.”
“She was messing with you, Jason. Taking advantage.”
“Yeah, kids are like predators. They sense weakness and pounce.”
She sighed, anticipating the effort it would take her to unravel that particular indulgence. “That is a hard habit to break. You shouldn’t have let her stay there.”
“I know, but out of the two of us she has the stronger will.” He lifted his head and looked her in the eye. “It was survival.” His head thumped back again and she straightened.
“Get in that shower, Jason Butler, and then sleep. I’ll wake you in an hour.”
“Could you wake me in a week?”
“No. It’s Christmas and this is family time. Move yourself.”
Beth went back downstairs and cleared the kitchen. Through the window she could see the children taking turns to ride Socks round the field, with Posy leading him.
Taking advantage of a few minutes of quiet time, she typed up her ideas and sent them in an email to Corinna. At least the internet was working, that was something to be thankful for.
And she was happy with what she’d done. If nothing else, she’d proved to herself she was still capable of thinking about something other than raising children.
When the girls finally reappeared, they were pink cheeked and smiling.
Ruby bounced through the door, her hair wild from the wind, Bugsy apparently forgotten. “I want a pony, Mommy.”
Even Beth wasn’t weak willed enough to agree to that. “That’s not going to happen while we’re living in Manhattan.”
“Then I want to come and live here, near Grandma, and Grandpa and Aunty Posy, and then I can ride Socks every day.”
Beth took off Ruby’s coat and boots and left them in the boot room outside the kitchen. “Your hands are freezing! Come inside and warm up.”
