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Posy took off her scarf and wound it around Hannah’s neck. “Have you told the guy who—I mean, the father?”
Hannah snuggled inside the scarf, touched by the gesture. “No. I suppose I should be glad there’s no signal, given I don’t know what I’d say to him. It’s not exactly your everyday conversation.”
She didn’t have a clue what his reaction would be.
Hannah liked to plan, and she’d had no plan for this nor had she had time to formulate one.
And she was tired, so tired. Was that normal? She had no idea.
“For what it’s worth, I’m a very engaged aunt. Always available for babysitting duties.”
“Good. I’m going to need the help because I’d like not to be a terrible mother.” Somehow it seemed easier to admit how she felt to Posy, who didn’t seem to have a particularly high opinion of her anyway.
“Why would you be a terrible mother?” Posy pulled her hat down over her ears. “I think you’ll be a great mother.”
“Based on what? The fact that I fell off the gate, potentially damaging a child that hasn’t even been born yet? Or that I left my nieces unattended because I thought they’d be fine?”
“They are fine.” Posy shrugged. “Let’s keep things in perspective. So the house might need redecorating, but no one died.”
“Somehow I don’t think Beth is going to be as calm about it. She’ll be angry, and I don’t blame her. It was careless of me.”
“You don’t have kids. I’m sure Beth didn’t know any of these things until she had kids. We learn through experience. There are going to be plenty of ways in which you are brilliant.”
“You think?” Was it pathetic of her that she needed that reassurance?
“I know. For a start, look how efficient you are. You will probably keep a spreadsheet, tracking Bugsy’s whereabouts at all times. And it’s not as if you haven’t had experience. As you said, you looked after me and I’m still here. Was I hard work?”
Hannah remembered the challenge of looking after Posy. “It was like herding cats. You were a ball of energy, impossible to occupy and determined to climb everything. Sadly, I wasn’t such a great climber, which meant that retrieving you from the top of cupboards was a challenge.”
“How old was I? When did I walk?”
The wind was bitter and they were standing in a field reminiscing?
Hannah shivered. “I don’t remember you walking. I only remember you climbing. Dad talked about it all the time. He was so proud of you. In the summers when we traveled around and virtually lived in the van, he’d come and grab you and take you to wherever he was hanging out with climbing friends, so he could show you off. I used to hear him boasting, Have you seen my Posy? She’s a dynamo. She can climb anything. Oh yeah, she’s my daughter, all right.”
Posy stared at her. “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you talk about our father.” She looked as surprised as Hannah felt.
It wasn’t a subject she usually touched. She wasn’t sure what had made her touch it now except that lately she seemed to be doing all sorts of things she didn’t normally do. Be
ing pregnant seemed to have affected her internal wiring. “We should get back—Ruby and Melly might be—”
“In a minute. Mom’s there, and she’s feeling better, so I’m sure that if there’s screaming she’ll investigate.” Posy put her hand on her arm. “He took all three of us climbing?”
“No. Only you.”
“You and Beth never came?”
Hannah felt tension rise. “Only one time. After that he left us in the van and took you.”
“What happened that one time? Why didn’t he take you, too?”
“I wasn’t much of a climber. And climbing was the only thing Dad really cared about.”
Hannah? No, she hasn’t got it. There are days when I wonder where the hell she came from!
Hannah hadn’t even known what “it” was. All she’d understood was that she lacked something, and that the deficiency in her makeup made her a source of deep embarrassment to her father.
She did her best to please, but to her he was a daunting figure, a lion of a man with a loud laugh and a restless energy. He rarely shaved and swore a lot. Fuck this and fuck that.
