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“No, but even I can see that you can’t apply that kind of grading system to a real life situation. You’re struggling to be detached and do your work. And you think, for some reason I’m not understanding, that makes you a bad doctor.”
“I think I was doubting myself anyway and this has made me doubt myself even more. I’ve been on the edge for weeks. I’m on sick leave, did I tell you that? My family don’t know. They don’t know about any of this. I try never to cause them worry. It’s hell for a parent to worry over a child. I saw that anxiety in my mother’s face every time Rosie was taken into hospital. I saw it in my father’s face.”
“So you force yourself to handle your feelings alone. It’s okay to lean on people, Katie. Everyone needs support.”
She wondered who gave him support. Dan presumably. And other friends. His mother. “I’m going to be fine. Well, apart from the headache I’m going to have tomorrow from all this wine.” She breathed and put her glass down. “Who would have thought it would be you who made me feel better?”
A ghost of a smile touched his mouth. “I thought I was the most annoying man who ever lived?”
“Turns out you’re not so bad.”
His smile vanished and he took her hand again. “It’s not your fault, Katie. None of it.”
She knew she should probably pull away, but she liked the way his hand felt on hers.
“You don’t know that. You can’t know.”
“I know for sure that if I was ever injured I’d be lucky to have someone like you in charge of my care. You’re shivering.” Giving her hand a squeeze, he stood up and put another log on the fire. “I’m sure you’re a fine doctor, but that doesn’t mean you have to carry on doing a job that no longer works for you.”
“To give up something I’ve worked this long and this hard for—” she bit her lip “—that would make me stupid, don’t you think?”
He waited until the flames started to lick around the log and then sat back down next to her. “I would have gone with brave.”
“Brave?”
“The easy route would be to carry on doing what you’re doing and not question it.”
“Yes, that’s the low risk option.”
“To me the risk is that you look back in twenty or thirty years and regret that you spent your life doing something you didn’t love. But you could always take a break. Instead of making an immediate decision, take time to think it through.”
It was an option she hadn’t considered. Her brain had been dealing with all-or-nothing scenarios. Why hadn’t she thought of a compromise? Why hadn’t she thought of taking a break?
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you occasionally talk sense, Jordan.”
They were sitting close together. The only sound was the crackle of the fire and the howl of the wind beating against the walls of the cabin. What had felt cozy before, now felt intimate. Her leg was pressed against his and she felt a rush of desire that almost knocked her flat.
She glanced at him and then looked away quickly, but not before she’d seen a response in his eyes. “How about you? Do you love what you do?”
“Most days. And then sometimes I’m freezing off my fingers and toes in a blizzard—”
“—and you think you’d like a nice, warm office job?” There was a shift in the atmosphere. She sensed he was aware of it, too.
He gave a soft laugh. “That has never been the dream. I wanted to live and work in the mountains. That was the most important thing for me.”
She envied the fact that he was so sure about what he wanted. “I can’t believe you built this place.” She stood up, drained from her own emotional outpouring and more than a little embarrassed.
“Shaped every log and board myself. Lost most of the skin on my fingers in the process.”
She tipped her head back and glanced up at the roof. “You have no TV and no Wi-Fi.”
“That’s right.”
“So how do you occupy yourself?” She turned her head and met his gaze.
Humor glimmered there. “Are you propositioning me, Dr. White?”
Her mouth felt dry. “I might be. Of course it could be the wine.” She’d probably read him wrong, in which case her embarrassment was about to triple. “As it doesn’t seem that I’ll be going anywhere tonight, can I change my mind and use your shower?”
