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Miranda reached for a tissue and blew her nose hard. ‘I was luckier than Bonnie. My mother put me in a box covered in towels. Apparently I was in quite a good condition when I was found. She even wrote a note.’
Something twisted inside him but he fought the impulse to drag her into his arms. He knew that, right now, she needed to talk. ‘And they traced your mother?’
She nodded. ‘Oh, yes. It was all very embarrassing for my grandparents. Treasured only daughter suddenly going off the rails. They’d had such high hopes for her. She was top in her class and very pretty. The world was out there, just waiting for her to conquer it. Only she made a mistake and I came along.’ She was silent for a moment, thoughtful. Then she gave a bright smile that was entirely false. ‘But they did the right thing. They took me in and brought me up. I lived with them until my mum married Keith.’
‘Was he your father?’
‘No. Mum never said who my father was. Maybe she didn’t know. Have you any idea how that feels?’ She looked at him, her expression strangely blank. ‘Sometimes I look in the mirror and I search for him. I think to myself, Are those his eyes? Do I have his mouth? Having no idea where you came from is a strange feeling.’
‘But your mum did get married.’
‘Oh, yes, she did very well for herself. Keith was a barrister. Great job. Public figure. Very well respected. On the outside, we looked like the perfect family.’ The bitterness in her tone was unmistakable and Jake looked at her, a feeling of foreboding building inside him.
‘And on the inside? Tell me about your stepfather.’
‘I think he loved my mum. Or at least, his version of love.’ She yanked another tissue out of the box and blew her nose again. ‘Unfortunately he didn’t feel the same way about me. I suppose I was a constant reminder of my mum’s mistake. The one ugly blot on the otherwise perfect canvas of her life. Everything I did was wrong. He had a hideous temper.’
Jake felt his shoulders tense. ‘How terrible. Are you saying he shouted at you? Or did he…?’
‘Hit me? Was that what you wanted to ask?’ She finished his unspoken question and gave a wan smile. ‘Oh, yes. Often. But funnily enough that didn’t upset me as much as his contempt. He so obviously couldn’t stand the sight of me and that really, really hurt.’
‘Didn’t anyone know?’
‘I didn’t want to tell my friends, if that’s what you mean. And none of them would have believed me anyway. They all thought I was so lucky.’ She blew her nose again. ‘Big house. Fancy holidays. Keith was capable of putting on a very impressive act when he had to but he was always so unpredictable I didn’t dare take anyone home in case he lost his temper. So gradually I became isolated. They thought I was a snob who didn’t want to mix with them. I didn’t know how to make myself popular.’ She twisted the tissue. ‘And I suppose, if I’m honest, I didn’t think I was very likeable. Keith had a way of making you feel pretty rotten about yourself.’
Jake let out a long breath and ran a hand over his
face. The thought of how she must have suffered made his blood heat to dangerous levels. ‘So that’s why you were so appalled when I hit your landlord.’
She gave a wan smile. ‘I suppose so. I’m not great with violence of any sort.’
Jake struggled to control his shock. She didn’t need him to be shocked, she needed him to be supportive. ‘Couldn’t your mother do anything?’
‘My mother didn’t want to do anything to wreck her newfound respectability. She was moving in circles that she’d considered totally out of her reach. I mean, imagine it…’ She suddenly sounded older than her years. ‘She left school at sixteen, pregnant, and here she was, married to a rich barrister. Quite an achievement, and my mother was very achievement-focused. All she really cared about was how it looked to other people. Marrying Keith was a way of wiping out the mistakes of her past.’
‘She condoned his behaviour?’
‘She said he was a very busy man with a stressful job and I ought to try not to annoy him.’
Jake gritted his teeth. ‘You didn’t tell anyone else? Your teachers? Your GP?’
‘My GP was his squash partner.’ Miranda shook her head. ‘No. I just tried not to annoy him. The trouble was, I annoyed him by just being me. So I learned to make myself as invisible as possible and I became very self-reliant.’ She gave a tiny shrug. ‘It’s history now. Please, don’t think I spend all day, every day thinking about it. It’s over. It was over a long time ago and I refuse to be a victim.’
‘But clearly you don’t see them any more.’
She shook her head. ‘I left home as soon as I could and they didn’t try and stop me. It’s affected me, of course it has. I suppose a psychologist would say that’s why I got involved with Peter. Searching for a father figure.’ She gave a smile of wry self-mockery. ‘Ironic, really. In his own way he was about as good a father figure as Keith. In my head I’ve invented this mythical dad.’
‘And what’s he like?’
At first she looked surprised by the question and then she gave a little shrug. ‘Ridiculously perfect. He adores his children so much that he’s prepared to put them first and he actually enjoys spending time with them. He delights in their achievements and he wants to shield them from all harm.’ She sat back in her chair, her expression shifting from tense to dreamy. ‘And when I imagine him, he has this look in his eyes. Love, I suppose.’ She sounded so wistful that Jake felt an ache building deep inside him. Obviously she’d never known the deep, unconditional love of a parent.
‘So what would a psychologist say about your relationship with me?’
‘We don’t have a relationship.’
‘No?’ It gave him some satisfaction to see her drop the tissue. Her hand stilled.
‘Jake, I—’
